Every new social interaction I enter follows the same mold. First, a deep breath, as I consciously sculpt a good first impression. Then, some small talk filled with superficial inquiries no deeper than my name and where I was raised. Of course, there is some awkward eye contact, which I love to maintain until I become overly conscious of it (you know when that happens). And finally, the inevitable question: “how tall are you?”
Without fail, more than half of the first-time interactions I engage in with another human provoke this question. It may be a genuine query or some perverted form of flirting but if I had a dollar for every time someone asked me how tall I was, I would have a lot of dollars. So to answer the pressing question… I am 4’11. And although my driver’s license says 5 feet, that is a total lie. The general response to this proclamation and to my presence in general is: “awe how cute!” which might be what you are thinking right now. However, as an adult “cute” is not always the adjective I am seeking.
I am used to most people commenting on my height because, to be frank, it is the most blatantly obvious thing about me. I may be racially ambiguous and my talents and aspirations may be hidden under deeper conversation but one thing is for sure, I am short. So yes, I have been accustomed to insensitive head pats, to being picked up at inappropriate times, and to the ever so dreaded moments when someone uses my head as an armrest (no, I do not find it funny). But to begin to understand my spiritual path to self-loving enlightenment, we must start at the beginning.
For some reason, my teachers always assumed that lining up in height-order was the best ice breaker known to man. So on every first day, at every school orientation, at every afterschool activity I participated in, I made the dreaded walk of shame to the end of the line. This was never a moment for me to ponder which person would be before or after me because I knew I would always be the last. Although the intention was to urge us to interact with each other and pull us away from our cliquey 5th-grade friend groups, this activity always made me feel insecure. You know how little kids are. They boast about superficial things like having more Legos or being taller than you. So my trek to the end of the line was always accompanied by a smirk and an insensitive comment.
One might think this level of immaturity is restricted to fifth graders, but unfortunately, that proved to be false. I remember someone distinctly rating me on my looks, because that somehow stimulates the minds of high schoolers, and saying to me: “you are like a 7. You would be a 9 if you were taller.” Now I know there are so many things wrong with this situation beginning with the fact that you cannot numerically calculate human value through a subjective rating of someone’s looks. But more than anything, it creates an artificial correlation between height and how good looking a person might be. And although I have reached a point in my life where I define my value by other means, I remember all of the times people have pointed out my height like it was the only thing that defined me.
To be completely transparent, being under 5 feet poses some great inconveniences. For example, I will never be able to reach the top shelf at a grocery store, no matter how high I force myself onto my tippy-toes. And, I have gotten elbowed in the face at every concert I have ever been to. But naturally, I have acquired some life lessons along the way.
- First, strength comes from within
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Learning to overcome insecurities builds character. And trust me, that is much easier said than done. If someone had told my younger self that the degrading comments were only going to make me the feisty, confident person I am today, I would not have believed them. Rather, it took years of being looked down upon (literally) to foster great resilience and a motivation to define myself by my talents and accomplishments.
- Second, the false perceptions other people hold of me are irrelevant
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I go into most social situations with the understanding that those I meet will automatically hold assumptions about me based only on my height. They may believe that I am timid or that I am actually 15 (yes, it has happened). However, I am clearly neither of those things. Constantly trying to prove other people wrong is energy wasted. Rather, I have proved that my ability to achieve success is only hindered by the restrictions I place on myself, not the restrictions that others place on me.
- Third, it is fun to stand out
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As cliche as it may sound, embrace your differences. A person is interesting because of the many quirks that they are made up of. My life has been a delicate balance between making my physical presence known and standing out for the exact same reason. Frankly, if I did not need to constantly assert my dominance in order to make myself known, my personality would surely be different than it is today.
I have learned that I will forever be the hide-and-seek champion and that I am lucky to have a built-in conversation starter. So the next time that particular insecurity creeps in, remember that you have been molded by your differences in more positive ways than you might have thought.