The phrase “decentering men” first became popular from Charlie Taylor’s book Decentering Men, alongside her article of the similar name, Decentering Men: Why you need to let go of men.
Decentering men is exactly what it sounds like: undoing the way one’s life (likely) revolves around men, whether or not there is an awareness of it.
“I am not asking you to forgo romantic relationships, pleasure, or touch because those things are essential for the human experience. I am asking you to let go of the idea of men. I am asking you to imagine yourself as happy now. I am asking you to not think that men are the missing puzzle piece to your happiness because I assure you once you get your man you will STILL be sad.“
Charlie Taylor
I used to be a raging pick-me. It’s painful to say, considering who I am now (angry and queer), but also kind of funny; I had been running from my true self for a very long time.
Though we are, at our age, far less inclined to tolerate outright misogyny, I think tendrils of this cling and follow us into our campus culture, party spaces, dating experiences, fashion choices, friendship preferences, and a billion other tiny facets that we don’t realize are being impacted by men.
It has taken a lot of intentional thought to decenter men and live a life for myself and my own preferences. I have kept the main thinking points in list form so as to never stray from the woman I wish to be.
Friendships
My friendships with men have been some of the worst and best connections I’ve ever had. The latter, however, didn’t come until this past year.
As I mentioned before, I grew up a “tomboy,” preferring the company of boys to girls. Though I had a few female friends, they never flourished. Either torn down by a petty disagreement, a trait I found “too annoying,” or an envy that turned sour, these rarely lasted long.
Think: Cool Girl Monologue
But sophomore year of high school, I decided to befriend a girl in each of my six classes; immediately, I met a girl who is still one of my best friends.
It would not be an exaggeration to say that she changed my life. She showed me what real friendship is supposed to feel like.
It was this warm and glowing connection that was almost palpable, but also felt strong and angry. Not at her; angry in the sense that I would have gone to war for her and without a moment of doubt.
Decentering men, for me, meant cherishing women, and acknowledging that they had so much to offer as friends and companions. It meant seeing the other woman in the room as ally, not competition.
And now I try to make female friends in all of my classes. And I love it!
Presentation
Clothes are a cornerstone to first impressions, and are, for many, an expression of who they are inside.
One of the most fun results of centering my life around myself was taking control of what I wear.
I like a lot of different styles, as most people do. But a lot of boys I knew then and know now believe women’s fashion should revolve around what makes them the most sexually attractive.
It took a concentrated effort to allow myself an independence of style — starting slow, with little accessories and details. I take great relief in saying that now a lot of my outfits have nothing to do with being attractive; I think it’s a pretty piece of cloth and I feel good wearing it.
I’ll be excited to show my best friend (a feminine, bubbly, kind, whip-smart Valedictorian) because I know she’ll be just as excited about the cute pattern on my skirt, or “omg where did you get those Mary Janes?”
My fashion board on Pinterest is bursting at the seams with all of the different styles I want to try—and I only wish that high-school-me, and a lot of my peers, had the courage to be unapologetically herself.
You can literally wear whatever the f*ck what you want and it’s crazy. Free will is REAL.
internal thoughts
A lot of us were raised being told not to gossip, and while I can’t not gasp when my friend tells me something unbelievable about a person in our class, it’s not in my nature to actively criticize or tear down other women.
This has been true for a long time, and though it was less applicable in my pick-me years, it wasn’t totally untrue.
However — thinking negative things definitely transpired.
Though I liked to pretend I was above it all, I did judge that girl for her low-cut top, or that girl for her fake cute sneeze, or the way this girl postured and performed when boys were in the room (ironic, I know).
It’s easy to position other girls as lesser when the boys around you are making the same remarks, the same critiques, and when agreeing with men is seen as you being rational and intelligent.
One of the greatest gifts I gave to myself when removing men from their pedestal was the grace I found for other women.
It’s really hard to be a woman in general, but especially in middle school, high school, and college. There’s so much pressure to be attractive enough, smart enough, cool enough, and though I think most of us are growing out of that, I still see it everywhere.
(My suitemates last year were all rushing sororities together, and those walls were thin — whatever girl wasn’t present in the room was suddenly a slut, an idiot, or trying too hard.)
My point is: decentering men also meant understanding that women are just trying to be happy in an environment that isn’t always promoting that happiness, and we can get a lot further by approaching these things with forgiveness instead of competitive scorn.
Noticing my own thoughts proved imperative in the goal of being a real ally.
Am I present?
Margaret Atwood is well-known and well-read for her book The Handmaid’s Tale. My first experience with her, however, was The Robber Bride, a novel unpacking internalized misogyny and sexual competition between women.
What many may recognize from it is this quote about the internalized male gaze. The Tl;DR: “You are a woman with a man inside watching a woman. You are your own voyeur.”
How do I look in this dress? Is my posture okay? What does my face look like while I’m taking this exam?
The male gaze is a term coined by film theorist Laura Mulvery in reference to the positioning of men vs. women in film—men, who do things, and women, who are to be seen.
It has, in more modern usage, become an umbrella term for male beauty standards and male acts of voyeurism.
I was scared to separate myself from the male gaze, to turn off the voice that kept a bird’s eye view on my appearance at all times. I worried that if I stopped surveilling how I looked and moved, I would miss out on some extremely valuable male validation.
There’s no easy flip to switch; it’s a long process of reminding yourself that you don’t need to “watch” yourself, that you don’t need to base your present happiness on how you are perceived.
Deep breathing, physical sensations, a focus on your hands. It’s a process, and one that calls for a lot of self-forgiveness.
And it is still a marvel experience, sometimes, to go to the dining hall unaware of what I’m wearing or how I’m sitting. My anxiety has long since dissipated and I think being present in the moment and only in my own body is largely to blame.
are men good?
So yes, I love my male friends. I still have a lot of them. I think they’re great and we have a lot of fun and I spend way too much money on them for their birthdays.
But at the risk of sounding preachy: I will never center my existence around them again. I’ll wear what I want to wear and I don’t care if it isn’t “flattering.” And I will never laugh at their jokes tearing apart my body or another woman’s.
Decentering men isn’t about hating men or removing them from your life. It’s not about denouncing them as your romantic partner or picturing a future without them.
It’s about loving the kind of person you are now, whether you’re in a relationship or out of one. Loving your intricacies by your standards. Not a man’s.