After being ranked College Magazine’s third most sexually active campus in the nation, I thought it would be appropriate to write about the one activity we all know and love here at UCSB, sex. As follows are some tips on bedroom etiquette for both guys and girls to keep the night fun, safe, and sexy.
Foreplay
Girls
Take a deep breath (through your nose) and man up, because its time to go balls deep on this one. I’m talking about BJs, and if you really want to leave an impression on him, giving a good one is your first step. Tip number one is refrain from teeth usage… always. Second tip is don’t be afraid to use your hands—the twist and pull trick is usually a winner or there’s always the ball interaction, although that might be better saved for somebody you know likes that kind of thing.
Guys
Tip number one–clip your fingernails! Secondly, be gentle, light to the touch, and don’t be afraid to use some tongue. And lastly, if you are looking for a little loving down there, please do not shove a our heads down there. Caressing of my head is fine, but too much is degrading and disrespectful. Nevertheless, every girl, whether she wants to admit it or not, likes to get a little playful. Note: Before re-enacting that hardcore porno you watched the other day, first assess how comfortable your girl is with getting a little naughty.
Intercourse
Girls
Don’t be a dead fish; in other words, don’t just lie there. Tip number one is move around and thrust back. No guy likes a sex-dud, and that’s exactly what you’ll be if all you do is take it from him. Get on top and assert your womanly dominance. Plus, being on top is one of the best ways to reach climax for women. It’ll make sex more enjoyable for both of you, and the different positions will allow you to feel different sensations. Tip number two is “measure in pleasure.” That means, just because he isn’t incredibly well-endowed doesn’t mean he doesn’t know how to make you feel good. It gets really awkward when you look disappointed after he undresses. Let him show you how he does it before ruining the mood.
Guys
Tip number one remains the same–do not get stuck in one position the whole time. Try to change it up, maybe by having her lie on her stomach instead, or when she’s facing you, take her legs and put them on your shoulders. Another important pointer–do not attempt to backdoor a girl who has not consented. If you’ve been with the girl and talked about it, by all means take that route–no judgment–but don’t act like it’s a nice little surprise…I wont be.
Post-sex
Girls
So the fun is over, now time to find out every other girl he’s slept with and how good they were compared to me, right? No. Don’t ask a guy immediately after sex or after just meeting them even, who they are hooking up with/have hooked up with. Chances are, you probably know someone who knows them—there’s a perpetual 4 degrees of hook-up separation in this town. It will freak him out if you press for answers right after the deed has been done. Let’s be honest, you’ve probably hooked up with somebody who knows somebody who knows him too. Leave the interrogation for when you two become a little more serious.
Guys
Don’t be that guy who kicks a girl out or just leaves at 3 a.m.; be courteous and spend the night with your girl. Nobody likes to be ditched post-sex, so stick it out and be the bigger man. You can leave at 8 a.m. with all of the other shackers. Lastly, if you are interested in keeping this hook-up going, I recommend sending more than the late-night Friday “heyyyyyyy wut u up to sexy” text. If you guys have actually talked outside of the weekend hours, your relationship dynamic will be way more interesting, and the sex will probably be better too.