It’s truly unfortunate that some of life’s necessary activities must be performed in a social setting—working out at the gym is one of these. I would prefer not make eye contact with the hot guy from class while a drop of my own sweat trickles into my eye, but that is not a choice I get to make. I assume that most of us are familiar with uncomfortable gym situations, so I have taken it upon myself to offer a few suggestions for some standard, awkward gym encounters. Don’t sweat it, ladies, this is how to keep your cool:
- You realize you know the girl on the machine next to you, and she sees you too, so you politely remove headphones and say hello. But…then what? How does the conversation end? You are obviously are not going anywhere else anytime soon. Say something like: “Oh my gosh, like, it was so nice running into you! I just got Justin Timberlake’s new album and have to hear it all the way through, let’s catch up soon though!” or “I can’t really breathe while I talk.” Goal: Minimize conversation.
- You lock eyes with the person on the upper-thigh strengthening machine. Sorry, there’s really no clever way out of this one. Just try not to wink, and don’t tell say, “Nice work”. Goal: Not to come across as a predator.
- There are two front desk attendants when you walk in, a girl and a guy. They are both just staring at you expectantly. Who do you give your access card to? Everyone knows that if you hand it to the guy, it means you want him. But if you hand it to the girl, you are obviously just trying to cover up the fact that you wanted to hand it to the guy. So much stress, I know. Simplify it: defer to the attendant to the right, no exceptions, and breeze on through. Goal: Eliminate unnecessary overthought.
- Someone tells you “Nice calves”. “I get them from my grandmother.” Goal: Impress and evoke envy…and maybe get a few laughs.
- All of the machines on the mezzanine are full. Why does everyone want to climb stairs and ellipt around at the same time??? Discreetly make note of the time elapsed on each of the machines, then keep an eye on the person closest to finishing up as you pretend to do ab work on a mat. Pounce on that elliptical the second its user emits the telling sigh of exhaustion and reaches for her water bottle. Goal: Snag the machine before the other lurkers do.
- Muscular guy confronts you about using a machine incorrectly. Tell him this is how it’s used in Greenland. Very few people know what goes on in Greenland. Goal: Appear superior and in control.
- Saying “Hi” to someone wearing headphones. They cannot hear you, they cannot see you, you are alone. Segue this one into a nice big sneeze. Goal: Disguise the greeting attempt and avoid potential embarrassment.
- Seeing a teacher. It is common knowledge that teachers don’t exist outside of the classroom…duh. So running into one anywhere else is always shocking. In this case, go to town on class material-related allusions:
- “Wow, Professor, you could fend off an army of Trojans without Athena’s help when you’ve got arms like that.”
- “Oh, how strange, I was just in the midst of calculating the probability of running into my favorite Stats T. A., and I’m ecstatic to have defied the odds!”
- “Fancy seeing you here, I’m just sculpting my tangible assets, looks like you’re doing the same.” *squat* Goal: Get the A.
Gymminy Crickets of Isla Vista, you are ready! Hit the Rec Cen confidently with these winning lines tucked into your sports bra. Hopefully now you can confine the burning sensation to your legs instead of your face as you go about your workout routine without skipping a beat…even in Aerobic Fitness mode.