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The 7 Types of Starbucks Customers

1. The Lulule-mom

Description: You know the type – she struts inside, Range Rover Sport keys in hand, prepared for a morning of Vinyasa yoga and searching for a health food store that carries children’s vitamin B-complex supplements. The sound of her freshly manicured nails tapping on the screen of her iPhone as she impatiently waits in line is audible to every customer. She knows her six-minute-long order by heart and by the end of it, has you wondering what an “extra dry cappuccino” is.

Drink: Grande sugar-free, non-fat, half-caf, no foam, 182-degree vanilla latte

2. The Mac User

Description: His scarf and square-frame glasses give him the appearance of a cultured and artistic individual who listens to too much Animal Collective. He claims to be a “successful freelance writer” and says that he can only do his work in coffee shops because the hissing of the espresso machine aids his creative thought process. But we all know the real reason he’s here is to silently judge the guy with the Chromebook.


Drink: Tall soy Americano 

3. The PC User

Description: He’s a simple guy. His name is probably something along the likes of Jerry or Carl. He lasts about 12 minutes in Starbucks because the Mac user’s incessant death glares have turned the quaint, aromatic coffee shop filled with the soothing sound of an acoustic Dave Matthews Band song into a fiery abyss of agony and suffering.

 

Drink: black coffee

4. The Cramming College Student

Description: We’ve all been there. It’s the day before the chemistry final that’s worth 80% of your grade and you make a beeline to the last table by a power outlet. When the barista asks you what you’d like, all you can say is “caffeine.” 

You spend hours surrounded by crumpled up notes, empty coffee cups, and pools of your own tears. Come closing time, you emerge from the cafe somehow feeling jittery and drowsy at the same time – and still completely unprepared.

Drink: Venti quadruple-shot cappuccino 

5. The 12-year-old

Description: She’s usually accompanied by a group of other Brandy Melville graphic T-shirt-wearing tweens who just got dropped off by their moms.

Armed with a pink studded iPhone, she’s ready to Instagram a picture of herself holding her drink, complete with the hashtags #starbucksselfie, #ilovemyfriends, and #pretty. She orders her Frappuccino so that it ends up being about 1 part coffee, 19 parts artificial sweetener. Unless it’s fall – then she gets a Pumpkin Spice Latte, of course.                                                                         

Drink: Trenta Double Chocolaty Chip Frappuccino with 7 pumps of syrup and extra whipped cream 

6. The Coffee Connoisseur

Description: You know the guy who spends an hour talking to the barista about the difference between Italian roast and Sumatra blend? That’s this guy.

Drink: Grande organic Tanzanian roast with extra room

7. The Frappucci-I-Dunno

Description: He’s a novice to the Starbucks scene. Whether it was his wife or sheer curiosity that led him to this strange land of Kenyan folk music and green aprons, it’s obvious that he doesn’t want to be there. 

He’s been drinking Folgers instant coffee for the past twenty years and isn’t used to Starbucks’ foreign terminology, giving up completely after having a heated argument with the barista about who’s idea it was to call a small drink “Tall.”  

Drink: chocolate milk from the fridge

Melissa Doran
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