How many times have you been told that you’re ‘too much’?
Can you count it on one hand? Two? My first time was in fourth grade when my teacher made me mark a Post-It note every time I raised my hand. I only got 5 hand raises a day.
As I grew up, that Post-It sentiment followed me through classroom after classroom, relationship after relationship. The feeling of being ‘too much’ chased me, like a shadow, everywhere.
I’ve always been the kind of person that loved to talk because there was just so much to say, but as I got older and especially when it came to boys (because doesn’t everything when you’re 17), I started to feel like caring was a fault of mine. My outbursts weren’t cute anymore; they were just annoying. When I would be in a conversation with a girlfriend of mine and a boy was there, I noticed how he gazed at her tight-lipped smile and found my jokes odd, my banter-style conversations strange. So naturally, I thought something was wrong with me.
The concept of being ‘too much’ is funny because no one ever tells someone they’re ‘too little’. You would never think to do that. Yet, we are so quick to shoot down those who are unapologetically themselves and label them ‘too much.’ But I raise the question: why do we feel the need to ridicule those who are unabashedly outspoken? Why do we have such a hard time climbing the mountain of our own insecurities?
I felt this a lot during my freshman year when life was all about what party you were attending, who your group of friends was or where you were thinking of C-sheshing that summer. When I was in conversations at gatherings with people, I noticed that boys tended to gravitate towards those who sat quietly: no one went over to dance with the girls who were having the time of their lives, spinning their friends around in circles. At a certain point, women are taught, especially through these social settings, that we must shrink ourselves to ever be desirable. Society has chained us to the concept of ‘femininity,’ with favoritism shown to the demurer and more resolved. This is so ingrained in our psyche that it’s no wonder we all struggle with our internal uniqueness. While I observed this time and time again, I remained confused as to why a man could ever be repelled by a girl with an interesting story or offer of an intellectual conversation.
And just like that, my brain began to Post-It note itself once more.
As I moved throughout the rest of that year, and now as I round out the fall quarter of junior year I realize that ‘too much’ doesn’t exist. It’s just simply called being yourself. There is nothing wrong with having a fun personality and a reference to a niche SNL skit or two. In the end, though fraught with trials and tribulations, I’ve found the people that feel like my own. My friends love me for the weird costumes I put on, and the funny accents I do in the middle of a serious sentence. They don’t think I’m too much; they love me for exactly who I am.
I’m still trying to figure out the romance aspect, but I have hope. This summer I met someone who knew that I went viral on Tik Tok this summer, multiple times, for dressing like Benson Boone and Lin-Manuel Miranda, and he thought it was the funniest thing he’d ever heard. Usually when I tell people about things like that, their eyes sort of go wide and they just nod and say, “Haha cool.” But the concept that someone would still find me hot after all that? Unheard of. It took me a long time to realize that the right person, or the right friends, won’t be put-off by my individuality. To the right people, there is never ‘too-much.’
So if you’re out there, and you’ve ever felt, or been told that you’re ‘a lot’ or ‘too much’ just know that you’re not. You’re you. And how lucky you are to have so much life packed into your soul. The right people will find you, and love how ‘much’ you are.