Disclaimer: written by the opposite of a “Chill Girl.”
“I just want to date a Chill Girl” or “a girl who doesn’t care so much.” I have heard this from men complaining about the woes of their relationship turmoil. I believe the remark is comical and irritating, a statement from someone who is very much not “chill.” I could blame this on my birthday (I was unlucky enough to be born under Virgo skies) or my genetic predisposition to overthink every thought, but I have never met this magical, no stress, she-fairy before in my life. She does not exist.
I find the Chill Girl an offensive illusion—why should women dilute their anxieties to a level their partners can tolerate? Men seem perplexed on why women can’t just be “more chill,” as if we aren’t trying very hard to achieve an equilibrium of zen. We take up meditation, yoga, herbal tea and buy books about astrology from Urban Outfitters. We are trying really hard.
The Chill Girl stereotype is a lot like the “I’m not like other girls” phenomenon. Miranda Moore explains the power of this phrase in her Medium article “The Problem With Saying You’re Not Like Other Girls.” Women are pressured into being “unique,” or different from the “classic” version of a woman. “You’re not like other girls!” rewards favoring non-traditional feminine traits and signals that this difference is good. The Chill Girl identification has the same effect—if you are calm, cool and collected, you are “not like other girls” and this is good. It also perpetuates this perception that women are in a constant state of overdramatic expression, as if we are trapped in a musical montage in Grey’s Anatomy.
There are many similarities between the Chill Girl and the Manic Pixie Dream Girl. The Manic Pixie Dream Girl is the happy and easygoing character who helps the main, male character realize how fun life truly is, without ever having another purpose in the film. Her personality is simply “happy” or “carefree.” Just as the Manic Pixie Dream Girl is always the side character to the man in movies, how can the Chill Girl be the main character of the story if men have boiled down her personality to “Chill?” Is “Chill Girl” just code for wanting a side character as a potential significant other?
Every person’s emotional makeup is intricate and fluid. One person is not just “happy” or “sad” or “funny.” Demoting women to one personality trait diminishes the beauty of what makes us all human. Psychologists have been studying the human mind for centuries and still have not cracked all the mysteries behind it. Why would anyone want to dull this untapped reservoir of emotional connection, especially in the early stages of getting to know a partner?
Taylor Swift—whose music has become synonymous with emotional women—actually leaned into this trope with her song “Blank Space.” Swift mocked the incorrect perception the media created in her performance as a crazy *and violent* girlfriend. The music video racked up 2.9 billion views and 12 million likes for the celebration of being not chill.
Also, Taylor Swift has dated Harry Styles and Tom Hiddleston (to name a few), so obviously, women who do not identify with the chill adjective still have success in dating. Or just success in general. If given the opportunity to be a bland person who is subduing their emotions for the sake of chill, I’d rather be called crazy and make a record-smashing music video about it.