There is no easy way to grieve a relationship. Whether it’s a first love, the prolonged high school ātalking stageā that you swore was your soulmate or a best friend, moving on is never easy. I would be the first to argue that breaking up with a best friend is the hardest kind of goodbye. The love for a best friend is unique, inexplicable and a familial connection that mimics a sisterly bond.Ā
Itās been two years since Iāve spoken to my ex-best friend, and I wonāt lie, it was the hardest goodbye of my life. How do you grieve someone who is still alive?
How do you grieve the version of them that you once knew and loved?
This girl was my best friend for the most formative 10 years of my life. We grew up together and so much of me was molded by her, and vice versa. Yet, as we grew up, she turned into someone that I didnāt know anymore. We would get into fights over the simplest things, which then turned into bigger problems that we couldnāt resolve at a certain point. She and I both began to slowly morph into completely different versions of the juvenile comedians we once were.Ā
Still, her family was my family, and her sister was a best friend. Yet I felt like I was holding onto her for the hope that she would one day turn back into the girl I glued myself to for the past ten years.Ā
Our closeness, for the both of us, began to feel like a chore. The need to check up on each other, an obligation instead of a breath of fresh air. We had been so close – we knew everything about each other, we liked the same TV shows, we made the same jokes, but those felt like the only tether holding us together.
I was clinging to the false promises of houses next to each other, maid-of-honor titles and family vacations for the rest of our lives.Ā
When we ābroke up,ā I was trapped in a spiral of negativity spurred by those around me, including myself. Shouting unkind sentiments felt like the only way to grieve her. Truth be told, it was easier to hate her than let her go peacefully – so I let myself believe that I held this dislike inside me, when, in reality, I was harboring the leftover fragments of love. And thatās okay.Ā
I know Iām not alone in this feeling. Iām sure that you, reader, have felt the same sort of loss in your life. The question is – how do you get over the platonic love of a lifetime?
Itās not easy, and I really donāt think there is a right answer. Your grieving is your own, and though that word is dramatic, it’s correct. With the loss of a counterpart, comes a loss of self.Ā
During the dwindling end of our relationship, I had branched out and found friends that felt easy. They felt like putting on an old shoe that has a hyperfixation on Conrad Fisher and themed dinners in Mayaās guest house. These friends are my world, and the people I will forever insert into every conversation.Ā
Still, sometimes I feel a pang of sadness in my gut knowing that I no longer have that one girl with the strange affinity for big-nosed male comedians by my side. The truth is, I think I will forever miss her, but Iāll miss the version of her I once knew.Ā
Though temporary, she was necessary because she made me who I am today. Just like a first love or a boyfriend, she came into my life to teach me a lesson, and once she did, we simply had to let each other go.
And tearfully, we did.Ā
So I guess my point is this- if youāve grown apart from someone, had a messy falling out, and find yourself wondering why you miss themā¦ youāre not alone.Ā Ā
Take the time to grieve, read the sad books, watch the sad movies, eat a tub of ice cream, and know that grief is just leftover love persevering.
As always, Iām here for you readers, you are never alone.Ā Ā