It’s a Friday night, and my friends and I have decided to have a girl’s night in to relax and catch up on each other’s lives. I grab some popcorn from the kitchen and make myself comfortable on the couch. Jenna’s talking about the guy she hooked up with last weekend, Haley’s sharing details about her first time with her new boyfriend Josh, and I’m listening quietly with nothing to contribute. It seems like everyone in the universe is constantly talking about their latest romantic venture and in every conversation I am left with no story to tell. Why? Because I’m 20 years old and I haven’t had my first kiss.
Weird? Pathetic? Prude? Save it – I’ve heard it all before. In fact, I’ve spent countless nights feeling incredibly insecure, wondering what was wrong with me that I couldn’t be a “normal” girl and just get it over with. I mean, I’m sure that there have been guys that have wanted to kiss me, but the thought of hooking up with some guy at a party has never appealed to me. When I tell my friends that I’ve never been kissed, they are in shock. They tell me things like “but you’re so pretty” and “I would have expected you to have been with so many guys.” (Thank you? I don’t understand why anyone would say that, since looks really have nothing to do with it). Not every pretty girl has a million guys chasing after her. And even if they do, it doesn’t mean they have to say yes to every one. The truth is that despite all of these things, I’ve never even been close to having a boyfriend and haven’t had any romantic encounters with a guy besides a few dates here and there.
Having gone to an all-girls school, I had a hard time meeting guys. I didn’t have a high school sweetheart or the oh-so famous prom night experience. And to be honest, I didn’t really think anything of it until I graduated and went on to face college hook up culture. College was a new experience for me. I joined a sorority, attended fraternity parties and watched as people ate each other’s faces on the dance floor. It was considered the norm, but even so, I knew that it just wasn’t me.
I’ve had friends tell me to just get it over with or that a kiss was no big deal, and for a while, I adopted their mindset and told myself I would do it. I would no longer be some lame college girl who has never been kissed. But each time I tried, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. Yes, I was scared to do something I’ve never done. But I was also scared because kissing a random person was something that I really had no desire to do. And why force yourself to do something you don’t want to do?
So to that, I say f#*k it. F#*k society’s timeline that tells us we have to do things at a certain point in our lives, and that if we don’t, we’re labeled as weird or abnormal. Being a 20-year old woman who has never been kissed does not define who I am as a person, nor should I let it. And just because I’m not hooking up with a new guy each weekend doesn’t mean that I’m not living life, because I am. I’m making memories with my friends, having laughs with my family and working hard towards my future.
I’m in no rush to have my first kiss, but I know that when I do, it’ll mean something. I want to remember my first kiss. I want to be able to look back and smile when I think of the first time I locked lips with someone. I know it’s not going to be perfect—nothing ever is. I’m not expecting some huge firework show or anything, I just want it to be ~special~. Yes, I’m 20 years old and I’ve never been kissed. But I mean, it’s been this long so I might as well make it worth the wait…
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