Have you ever had the pleasure of watching one of the hundreds of Hallmark Christmas films that grace our televisions for months at a time each year? No? Well, lucky you.
To fill you in, every single holiday film from the Hallmark Channel consists of a woman going back to her hometown for Christmas so that she can either figure herself out after a troubling year at work or take part in planning either a) a Christmas pageant, b) a gala or c) a fundraiser event.
My issues with the Hallmark Channel have gradually amassed throughout the years, and by this point, I simply cannot endorse these Christmas cringe-fests for anyone looking to get into the holiday spirit through the outlet of film. Here’s why:
There is absolutely no creativity or originality to the series of films that are being pumped out year after year, and worse yet, the number of tropes included could easily develop into a (pretty heavy) drinking game. My own mother was gifted a Hallmark movie bingo-board a few years ago that my entire family has been forced into playing, with some of the boxes being kissing under the mistletoe, baking cookies for the town’s Christmas Eve gala, wearing ugly Christmas sweaters (because for some reason producers think that’s comedy gold? So hilarious…not.) and having a snowball fight that ends up with the main girl and guy falling on each other laughing. The stereotypes and tropes are never-ending, and I literally cannot watch more than two minutes without wanting to gag.
The diversity in these films is truly astounding, as the producers of the films rotate a revolving door of about five women (and maybe three men) to take on the starring roles. I will put $20 down to anyone at anytime that if they turn on a Hallmark Christmas movie, it’s going to be starring either Lacey Chabert, Candace Cameron Bure, Danica McKellar, Merritt Patterson or Kimberly Sustad. I literally have no doubts about my winning that bet. Moreover, it gets difficult to feel any attachment to films that are always the same people acting out the same stories. Do better Hallmark.
The dialogue is absolutely riveting, and I’m sure the ten-year-olds writing it have very proud parents. Kidding, but seriously, the characters’ lines sound robotic, with everything being phrased in ways that no real person would talk. And I’m not saying I could do much better (considering I have no experience in screenwriting personally) but I do think they should reevaluate the corniness levels of the scripts they green-light from now on.
My biggest—and most controversial—issue with the Hallmark franchise is the endings. All of their films end in the most predictable ways ever, with audiences being able to figure out how the plot is going to go from about five minutes in. There is a princess-perfect, happy ending in every. Single. Movie. Playing devil’s advocate, some people like the happy endings because it makes them feel happy and leaves the film on an uplifting note. But for me, I think it draws these films even further away from reality.
As a disclaimer, this article was written all in good fun and with satirical intent. Do I enjoy watching/making fun of Hallmark Christmas movies with my family every year? Of course! I never laugh as hard as when we all point out the ridiculous dialogue and habitual tropes together, it’s like family bonding for us now. Plus, these films bring people a lot of holiday cheer despite their lacking in some areas, so I respect Hallmark for their dedication to producing films that millions of people still tune in to see.
Please take all of these criticisms with a grain of salt since I am no expert film critic, or better yet, go watch one for yourself and see how my evaluations stack up! In any case, I hope you all have a wonderful holiday season and enjoy yourselves however you so please (even if that means watching dozens of Hallmark Christmas movies…I’ll only judge you slightly). Happy holidays!