Even though the release of Euphoria back in the summer of 2019 popularized unconventional, glittery styles and makeup artists on social media were already producing unconventionally alluring looks, I was extremely intimidated to try it out in person. Especially with it being my first year at UCLA, it felt uncomfortable to stand out, as I was surrounded by a whole new crowd and community of people I wanted to be accepted by.
On the same coin, the male gaze and the want of validation, love, and desire from them weighed on me as well. It’s embarrassing to admit, but I did feel that I had to be this naturally beautiful person, because that’s what men seemed to find attractive. In high school, any time I did my makeup with anything but natural hues, I would always receive the unsolicited, backhanded “compliments” about how they thought I was prettier without it. While that didn’t stop me at the time (because I wasn’t charmed by the majority of the boys in high school), college did put me in a place where I was surrounded by countless, attractive men that I did want to impress. For instance, whenever I got ready for a party, both my outfit and makeup look were specifically tailored to be quite basic and fit my idea of men’s standards for beauty; not that there’s anything wrong with basic, but it wasn’t truly me. The issue lied in the fact that I felt I had to suppress parts of my look that made me feel good, and by extension, myself.
Other blocks that prevented me from doing the makeup I wanted to do was the lack of time, as playing with makeup or indulging in hobbies was hardly doable between classes, homework, club things, social life and taking care of myself. Walking around campus in sunny Los Angeles all day with a full face of heavy makeup wasn’t super practical either, especially with my oily skin type, so I resorted to a minimal look. Overall, it was difficult to find the time and place to do fun makeup looks.
Once I was taken out of my social bubble and put into my own personal one due to the pandemic, I truly began to express myself through my look. I had no one to impress but myself, so there was no need to hide behind a “no-makeup” makeup mask. I began spending my days scrolling through Tiktok, Instagram and Twitter admiring the skillful artists who used their face as a canvas, and and I began to draw inspiration. Soon, I too began using weird shapes and shades of graphic liner instead of the typical black wing, vivid eyeshadow colors instead of soft glam, heavy blush on the cheeks and nose instead of the subdued pink and reflective glitter instead of shimmery shades. Again, not that there’s anything wrong with classic makeup styles, it just wasn’t me; editorial, playful looks were more my speed.
As far as the practicality of doing makeup inside, I don’t have to worry about scorching temperatures ruining my look in my room temperature environment. Now that I’m home and I don’t have to worry about travel time, I have more time to get ready for the hell of it. In a strange way, mask wearing has also pushed me to concentrate the fun in the one area people can see and that won’t be rubbed off by the end of the day: my eyes. I’ve adapted that personal expression to where I can display my favored aesthetic in a wearable, yet unique way that is a crucial part of my look of the day.
Even when we are able to thrive outside of social isolation, I’ve worked on my personal self esteem enough over the months to not feel the need to dull my authenticity for anyone, especially not a man. My dream partner and the people who matter the most to me would never think of saying that they liked a more natural look on me; they’d simply admire the look of happiness on my face with neon green glitter and pastel pink eyeliner.
More recently, I’ve finally gained the confidence to start my own makeup page on instagram (@mariahhh_the_muaaa) after years of my friend’s telling me to make one. It’s freeing because I now have a place that is exclusively for people who want to look at my creations each week. It also pushes me to keep building and updating this online portfolio full of my art that documents my growth as an artist, while also getting reminders of the support I have from my loved ones from their various interactions and praise. I don’t necessarily need thousands of followers, likes or opportunities that arise from it, but if those come along down the line too, I’d welcome the possibility to share my art with a wider audience and collaborate with brands I love. My account is simply a place where I can share my passion outside of my room- even when I can’t show it off in person.
For me, creating intricate makeup looks with colors all across and beyond the rainbow with shiny glitter, rhinestones and shapes not only brings me joy, but an outlet to show the world my creative talents. Eccentric and extraordinary makeup helps me express myself, the way I view the world and even my favorite songs, artists and movies. My funky makeup may not be what others find appealing, but I am now fine with that, as that is what makes me feel like the coolest, most stunning version of myself at the peak of my authenticity.