I spent the past two and a half years of my life thinking I knew exactly how my life was going to go. I had met my ex-boyfriend during my senior year of high school and, since then, never looked back. We spent the first year of our relationship attached at the hip; we would go on dates almost every day, our families were tightly intertwined and our futures quickly molded together as one. The start of our long-distance relationship began about a year in, separating us 1,800 miles, but we felt that if anyone was ready for this, it was us.
From the outside, our relationship seemed picture-perfect and straight out of a movie. For a while, that was enough. However, with time and distance, problems quickly started seeping through the cracks we thought we had already patched up. The highs were high, but the lows were so terribly low. However, like the hopeless romantic I was, I stuck around and believed that things would eventually get better. Spoiler alert — it didn’t.
Coming out of that experience, here are five things I wish I would’ve known sooner:
- start off as friends
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Getting to know someone as a friend before becoming romantically involved can help you gain a lot of insight into who they truly are. Not only does it give you time to truly get to know each other before committing yourself to a relationship, but it also ensures that you have a strong foundation to build on top of. Being friends with someone will show you a lot about who they are outside of a relationship, and this can help you gauge your compatibility before diving all in headfirst. If you skip this stage of friendship, you can find yourself in a relationship with someone who you only know one version of.
- red flags start off as ‘little quirks’
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The issues you ignore in the beginning are what inevitably will cause the end — those little red flags and quirks you thought were just cute and temporary are, in fact, huge telltales of what is to come for the remainder of the relationship. When people show you who they are, believe it the first time. For instance, maybe it starts with your partner being overprotective. Maybe he doesn’t like you being out late, or he doesn’t like when you go to the gym in shorts and a sports bra. Sure, his protectiveness may initially be endearing, but often this can lead to a controlling partner.
- resentment and love cannot coexist
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Unresolved pain will turn into resentment. Every couple fights from time to time, and many have those few standouts that never quite get resolved. Instead of closure, maybe you resign yourselves to agreeing to disagree. This can be tricky territory, however, as it is very easy to allow unhealed and unprocessed pain and anger to fester into resentment toward your partner.
It is nearly impossible for love and resentment to coexist. Whether it be consciously or subconsciously, that resentment you carry internally toward your partner will come out in ways you may not intend to. This can lead to emotional distance.
- if you think you deserve better, you probably do
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This is something I denied countless times throughout my relationship. Like most people, I held onto the hope that one day, he might magically become who I needed him to be. I ignored every red flag, every gut feeling and every doubt. After having processed my breakup, I can see now that I definitely knew this was coming, but I let it happen anyways. Your gut feeling is there for a reason. Intrusive thoughts are one thing, but be mindful of what feelings are recurring in your mind and heart.
- love is not always enough
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My ex used to always think love was enough, and I would argue that it wasn’t. He never could quite understand some of the ideals I tried to explain throughout our relationship. You can love someone to death and still be unhealthy for them. You can love someone so much and still not be compatible. You can love someone and still be completely different people with opposing fundamental beliefs that cause unsolvable, futile arguments. Love is not enough to keep a healthy relationship alive. Not understanding this idea can lead to self-destructive and unhealthy love. Yes, love is a choice, and yes, you can choose love every single day even if it has become toxic and painful for both parties. But, as cliché, as it may sound, loving yourself, must come first. Prioritizing your own needs and well-being will help you to distinguish whether or not a relationship is benefitting you and will give you the strength to step away if it is not.
Taking that leap to end a relationship is never easy. There is never a right time, place or way to leave someone who you have invested so much time and energy into. For me, the fear of losing what might’ve been the best I could get in life prevented me from making that step. He was all I knew for the past two and a half years and, at the time, was the whole world.
I knew it was time to leave when the thought of being with him forever scared me more that the thought of us breaking up. After finally choosing to leave and surrendering myself to the painful process of healing, I can confidently and wholeheartedly say that life has never felt more hopeful. Life is so much brighter now that I am able to authentically and unapologetically be me — it feels good to do things that make me happy again, to be the bubbly, social person I always knew I was. Never let anyone take your light away from you. Protect it, nurture it and spread it. Your light deserves to be shown off and not hidden from the world. If you are in a long-term relationship that is draining you in any way or making you feel inferior, I promise you that this is not as good as it gets. There are people out there waiting to love you and be loved by you in a healthy way. There is a version of yourself that maybe you haven’t met yet, but is waiting for you to come into; the choice has always been, and will always be, yours.