Take it from someone that has had a best friend relocate to Sydney in 2016 and another best friend attend college in London since 2019: long-distance friendships require an understated amount of patience and effort to maintain. The good news is that effort and patience come easily when you deeply care for the person. That said, it does require intentionality in your approach, which is why this article includes some of the insights I’ve accrued over the last few years that have influenced my approach to sustaining these strong personal bonds:
This is okay. This is important for growth to happen, for you both personally and in your relationship. Hence, allow your standards for the amount of communication and quality of maintenance to change if they need to!
A second reason for dispelling the pressure to stay the same is that distance creates room for miscommunications and frustration to build up. When one person keeps expectations for the other person that goes unsaid, there’s a likelihood for disparate amounts of attention invested by either party—and this attention is likely to come in different forms too because people love each other in different ways. And with this assumption that the other party “cares less” because they seem less attentive, the relationship comes under great strain that cannot be mended with a spontaneous visit or any of the other conventions that are possible with a smaller distance.
After settling in, I would suggest communicating openly to establish the most convenient way for you both to express your fleeting thoughts. With one of my friends, I send them memes every other day or whenever I come across content that reminds me of them (quirky earrings, the Twilight series, references to her peanut allergy, philosophical allegories). With the other, I check in by texting when I remember to in addition to frequently commenting on her posts and Instagram stories—we’d went through a phase of sending each other an image from our day every day, and that was adorable but unsustainable in the long run. And that’s alright! The key is to find that sweet spot that works for both people in the friendship.
Post-pandemic, you should plan to visit if you have the resources to. To this day, I recall with extreme fondness my freshman orientation period where one of my friends came to visit; she was the first person I explored Westwood with—we squeezed into the twin XL bed in the evening, walked to get blueberry bagels at 7 AM, and ventured around the UCLA campus as she pointed out freakishly huge spiders. She was the first person I had In-n-Out and Diddy Riese’s with, and the closest companion I had in the first few days of moving somewhere completely new. I could not have felt more supported with her encouragement for me to venture beyond my comfort zone. Following the visit, I could be even more sure that our bond is one that will last the ages, regardless of how low-maintenance our relationship is.
Finally, I would encourage you to pay attention to what’s going on in their life. If they’re going through a difficult period, you may not be there in person, but a surprise gift relating to that chapter of their lives cannot go wrong. Knowing that my friend was going through a rut with cooking repetitive meals and being cooped in her apartment, I sent a nine-pack of African and Middle-Eastern spices for cooking, in addition to a DIY chorizo kit, and this was received extremely well! You’re never too far away to send them your love, regardless of the form this takes. If you don’t know what to get them, you could even send a small sum for them to use on whatever they’d like to decompress, relax, care for themselves or whatever they need.
