Unfortunately for us, we can’t build a boy. Alas, you’re just a woman with a vivid imagination, dating a man who is almost everything you want.
He’s smart, but lacks direction. He’s thoughtful, but struggles with communication. He’s ambitious, but hasn’t quite figured out what he’s ambitious about. He has a good heart (allegedly), and once he gets through whatever particularly difficult chapter of his life he’s currently navigating, he’ll be an incredible boyfriend — just not right now. But that’s okay, because you can see the vision.
And therein lies the problem.
I think some women have this ability to fall in love with a man who does not yet exist. With some hypothetical, fully realized version of the man currently sitting in front of us. We see the qualities that could make him a wonderful partner, mentally fill in the gaps, and convince ourselves that the finished product is only a matter of time. I’m not saying don’t date someone who hasn’t figured everything out. We’re in college. Expecting someone in their early twenties to have a fully developed career, emotional intelligence, and a five-year plan is unreasonable.
Be aware, though, that there is a difference between growing alongside someone and waiting for them to grow into someone you actually want to date. I believe many women mistake the latter for the former. It’s deeply romantic to be the person who sees someone’s potential before anyone else does. Being there through the difficult years, supporting their ambitions, and eventually getting to say, “I knew you could do it.” It’s the romantic equivalent of investing in a startup. Except relationships aren’t venture capital firms, and your boyfriend isn’t a Series A investment.
Women are often socialized to be emotionally attentive. We’re encouraged to be understanding, communicative, patient, and nurturing — and these aren’t bad qualities. In fact, they’re incredibly important in any healthy relationship. But your partner should be extending these same qualities to you. Instead, you make excuses. He’s not emotionally unavailable; he just hasn’t learned how to express himself. He’s not inconsistent; he’s overwhelmed. He’s not unwilling to commit; he’s afraid of getting hurt. And perhaps all of those explanations are true. However, an explanation isn’t necessarily a justification.
I have seen too many young women acting as personal development coaches for their boyfriends their own age or even older. No one necessarily recognizes how much time you’ve spent trying to help someone become more emotionally aware, more responsible, or more considerate. You’re just a good girlfriend. This is the expectation. Great — now you’ve become his mother.Â
When we invest in someone’s potential, we can begin to feel entitled to the outcome. Leaving can start to feel like admitting you were wrong about him. And perhaps that’s why we stay longer than we should. You tell yourself that because you supported him through the difficult parts, you should get to experience the rewards. And while that desire is understandable, it raises an important question: Were we loving the person, or were we waiting for the return on our investment?
People are allowed to grow. They’re allowed to change. And sometimes, they become better partners after a relationship ends. That doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship was a waste of time. But it also doesn’t mean we were obligated to stay until the transformation was complete. I don’t think love should require you to endure someone’s worst behavior in the hope of eventually earning their best.
Someone might have the capacity to communicate better, but do they actually make an effort when you express your needs? They might be capable of commitment, but have they demonstrated any willingness to build a relationship with you? They might have extraordinary ambitions, but are they taking meaningful steps toward achieving them? We see that he can be affectionate because he was incredibly sweet that one weekend. We know he can communicate because he once stayed up until 3 a.m. talking about his childhood. We know he can put in effort because he planned an elaborate first date. And we hold onto those isolated moments as evidence of the person he really is.
But what if the person he really is isn’t the one who occasionally appears during those exceptional moments? What if it’s the person he consistently shows you? That doesn’t mean people can’t improve. Of course they can. But meaningful change requires more than our ability to imagine it. It requires their willingness to pursue it.
I don’t think the solution is to date only people who have everything figured out. That’s neither realistic nor particularly romantic. Part of loving someone is witnessing their growth, celebrating their accomplishments, and supporting them through uncertainty. But I do think we need to reconsider the idea that being a good partner means recognizing someone’s potential and patiently waiting for it to materialize.
There’s a difference between loving someone through a difficult period and building an entire relationship around the hope that they will eventually become someone else. And perhaps the question we should ask is whether we would still want to be with him if he never changed. Not if he finally learned to communicate. Not if he figured out his career, worked through his issues, or became the attentive boyfriend you always knew he could be. If he stayed exactly as he is today, would you still choose him? Maybe you’re in love with the possibility. And unfortunately, possibility doesn’t make a particularly reliable boyfriend.