It’s that time of the year again: the time when the internet blows up, the time when memes on Twitter are endless, the time when there are watch parties on every block. In other words, it’s Bachelor season! The premise of the show is simple: One eligible bachelor, one villa and twenty-something girls vying for one man’s heart at the same time. What could possibly go wrong right? The answer: nothing but a boatload of crazy moments. Here are my favorite moments from The Bachelor so far.
1. Episode 1: The girl with the (*cough* fake *cough*) Australian accent.
This girl was all over Twitter, Instagram and Facebook after the first episode aired. Bri, a 24-year-old model from Los Angeles California, introduced herself to Colton while sporting a very convincing Australian accent. “You’ve got a very nice accent!” Colton exclaimed. Cut to the next scene: Bri says, “I’m not really Australian. But you have to do what you can to stand out.” Oh my… You just know the women in this season are going to go to all lengths to get that final rose. At least it’s good entertainment!
2. Episode 1: Colton meeeetttsss a verrryyy sloooowww slothhhhhh
Colton Underwood, former NFL football player, and this season’s Bachelor is known for one thing, and apparently, one thing only: his virginity. So how do you greet a 26-year-old virgin bachelor when you’re trying to woo his heart? According to Alex D. from Boston, Massachusetts, here are the steps:
- Put that sparkly, floor-length gown away. That won’t attract your man’s attention. Instead, put on a really big, heavy sloth costume.
- Very, very, very (I mean very) slowly walk to your target, in this case: Colton.
- While you are taking a full five minutes to walk five feet to the man of your dreams, make sure to say the words, “I… heard… you… take… things… slow…” You really want to say these words a slow as you can. You want to make this longest three minutes of Colton’s life.
- Make sure you don’t take off the costume all night or break character. You mustn’t talk faster than one word per five seconds.
Sadly, sloth girl, probably the most dedicated out of all the women that night, did not receive a rose. Maybe we shouldn’t follow the sloth’s advice… Scratch everything I said.
3. Episode 1: Catherine gives Colton her dog
Catherine, a 26-year-old DJ from Ft. Lauderdale, Florida, catwalks out of the limo to introduce herself to Colton. Her version of getting his attention: giving Colton her most prized possession—practically a family Member—her dog for the entire season. As we watch the cute little puppy struggle and squirm in Colton’s arms, we don’t know who to feel worse for, the dog or Colton.
4. Episode 1: Catherine stole Colton three times!
To keep things short, Catherine steals Colton, not once, not twice, but three times! Being the first one to do this on the Bachelor, a show that has been on for 14 years, Catherine has quite literally made history.
So, here’s how it went down:
- Tracy steals Catherine from Colton. Tracy says three words to Colton. Catherine appears. She asks to steal Colton. Tracy asks if she could have one more minute, but Catherine is not having it and responds, “I’m sorry. I just really think we need to finish our conversation.”
- Tracy tells the girls. Onyeka comes out with snorkel gear and a whistle, yells “I HEARD YOU WERE DROWNING IN SOME B*TCHES, SO I CAME TO SAVE YOU.” She steals Colton from Catherine. Catherine comes back to steal Colton.
- Later, Onyeka talks to Catherine to try to teach her polite manners (like the ones she has). Onyeka knows for sure that Catherine won’t try to interrupt Colton again.
- A few conversations later, Catherine steals Colton.
Did I mention Catherine gets a rose?
If Colton’s reaction doesn’t say it all, I don’t know what does.
5. Episode 2: Hannah B. takes forever to come up with a toast
Hannah B., Miss Alabama 2018, goes on the first one-on-one date with Colton this week. Colton says she picked her because she is really easy to talk to and that she would make a good start to this whole journey. Little did he know, this would be the most awkward date of his life. Besides the countless minutes of awkward silences, the most painfully cringe-worthy part was Colton and Hannah’s champagne toasts. Colton toasts to being open, honest, true to themselves and to challenge each other throughout their journey. Hannah, being the beauty queen she is, needed a little more time to formulate the perfect rose-winning answer.
- Hannah: “That was good. But I feel like you took mine… Dang it. I really feel like you took my words. I wish you would have let me go first. Um… I can’t do this! Okay, like, how do I start it? What do you say?”
- Colton helps her out: “You say, ‘Let’s make a toast to…’”
- Hannah tries again: “Let’s make a toast to… (silence) Okay. And I’ll put a bunch of words that sound good, that are real, that are real, real words. Okay. Okay. Let’s make a toast to… first, it’s my birthday, so to this amazing day. And, um . . . yeah, Roll Tide!”
Oh my. She definitely did not get a perfect 10 on that answer.
6. Episode 2: Cocktail party with air horns and kitchen instruments
I’ve realized from watching the Bachelor that it’s inevitable to avoid people stealing Colton during the cocktail parties. But you don’t need obnoxious air horns and banging from pots and pans to get Colton’s attention. What a world we’ve come to… sigh. Anyway, Onyeka, now the queen of loud interruptions, interrupts Sydney’s conversation with Colton by shocking them with a loud air horn. Sydney complies to Onyeka’s request for time with Colton and leaves. Seconds later, usually-reserved Sydney shocks all of America and comes out seconds later to interrupt Onyeka by banging a pot with a wooden spoon! Go Sydney! Too bad Oneyka says “no” to giving up Colton to her. Poor Sydney awkwardly shuffles away. Too bad Onyeka doesn’t care.
7. Episode 3: Enduring eight seconds of Hannah’s “Beautiful Beast”
If you watched episode 3, you already know there is a lot of drama between the two beauty queens, Hannah B (aka Miss Alabama 2018) and Caelynn (aka Miss North Carolina 2018). It’s a pretty long story, but basically: Hannah and Caelynn were friends when competing for Miss USA, but when Caelynn placed higher than Hannah, they had a falling out. Hannah, after seeing Caelynn laughing and making a connection with Colton, gets jealous and tries to talk trash about Caelynn. Caelynn hears about this and worries Hannah’s comments will affect her and Colton’s relationship. Therefore Caelynn talks trash about Hannah to Colton—saying shes manipulative, etc, ect—and then Colton is left confused and doesn’t know who to believe. Simple, right?
Anyway, this is all to lead up to the longest, most awkward, most cringey eight seconds of my life. Hannah begins to do an uncomfortable growl after saying the “beautiful beast” inside her is going to unleash.
To my surprise, this season of The Bachelor has been very entertaining. I’ve always wondered how a dating show with a simple premise and seemingly-monotonous episodes has been on the air for over 20 seasons. But, after watching the past three episodes, let’s just say: I’m hooked. If your looking for a good laugh, to be very shocked or for a new guilty pleasure, The Bachelor is for you.