Graduating early: some say it’s a blessing, I feel like it’s a curse. There are countless pros and cons (I would know, I’ve made several lists), but I never know which side outweighs which. It’s one of those moments where I wish I could go back and change the decisions I made leading up to this, but at the same time, I want to trust the process and believe that I’m in this position for a reason. That doesn’t change the fact that I’m scared.
Throughout all my years of education, the one thing I constantly heard was to always get ahead of the game. I was constantly reminded to be in gifted programs and take honors classes before high school. When you’re that young, you put your trust into your advisors and don’t think twice about the decisions they’re making for you. “Go above and beyond, it’ll get you far.” I heard that over and over again for years, so I went with it. In high school, I took over 15 college-level classes, because that’s what I felt was right. The school I went to was very competitive, and it always felt like there were eyes on me. In those years, I felt like the ability to “be” something in the future was determinant on my GPA and how I looked on paper. That’s where I went wrong.
When I started at UCF I figured I would be here for four years, like every “normal” person. But I was wrong, and I’m sad about it. I came into college with over 40 credits, which is almost three semesters worth of classes. At the time I started, I didn’t know what this meant. Everyone was calling me lucky and telling me I’d be saving a bunch of money, so I figured I was in a good position. However, I recently “figured my life out,” if you will, and realized that I only have three semesters left of college. It’s only my second year of college, but I have to tell everyone I’m a “junior by credits.” On paper, it looks like I’ve fallen behind since I haven’t had a job or internship related to my major yet. It’s scary. It’s frustrating. But it’s impossible to go back in time — there’s nothing I can do about it now. It feels like the clock is ticking and I’m running out of time to build a foundation for my future. If I knew I was graduating so soon, I would’ve done a lot of things differently. But there was no one to tell me how soon I’d be done, no one to explain to me how credits worked before I entered college, and no clarification as to what to do about it. I’m not pointing fingers or passing on the blame, but I got so used to everything being handed to me that I never took the initiative to look for the answers myself.
I feel like graduating early will deprive me of having the full college experience; not the parties or the football games, but the process of connecting with people that share common interests, and even those who I have nothing in common with at all. I feel like I’m too “old” to start something new, and that it’s too late to join an organization outside of my major. I’m ahead for my age, but behind for my class standing. The moment I started writing for Her Campus, all I could feel was regret for not starting earlier. This publication has given me a platform where I can use my voice freely, and I’ve also met some of the best people I’ve come across in my life (I love you guys!). I just wish I had more time. The pressure of getting my life together immediately after graduation is what scares me the most. I wish I had more time to learn, more time to pursue non-professional endeavors, and more time to explore my options and see which direction I want my life to go in. With graduation comes a “real” job where I’m expected to know everything. I’d be a college graduate, so why wouldn’t I? But really, I’ll be 21 years old, and that feels so small to me. Yes, I’ll be done with college classes, have nothing more to study for, and have time to apply myself to my career. But where do I go? How do I start “life?” I got accustomed to structure, always having my hand held and being shown where to go. Losing that scares me.
Thinking about this process and contemplating what to do with my life has been mentally straining, but it doesn’t mean I’m not looking forward to the future. Because of the shock I felt when I found out my life was moving faster than I could keep up with, I pushed myself beyond the limits I thought I had and accomplished so much in such a short amount of time. I’m proud of myself, and even though I know the process is scary, I know it isn’t bigger than me. I could go on and on about the things I wish I did differently, but where will that get me? I might as well embrace it and push myself to work for my future ten times as hard as I would’ve before. Maybe all of these fears are uncalled for, maybe I have the brightest future ahead of me, maybe tomorrow I’ll get the best news of my life. But these fears are valid, and I want to acknowledge them. I want them to fuel my ambition and prove to myself that I’ve got this. For anyone in the same boat, don’t forget to remind yourself that everything happens for a reason. As a wise philosopher once said, “we’re all in this together.”