When I think back on the start of college, I disassociate entirely. Even though that was only three years ago, it might as well have taken place on a completely different planet. I don’t know why I made half the decisions I did, but I don’t look back in regret; I more so look back in curiosity and wonder what headspace I was in to possibly make those choices. In honor of the horror of some of my past decisions, I wanted to showcase what I wish I had known back as a freshman in college, I can’t change any of my choices, but maybe someone else will feel comforted to know they aren’t alone in their questionable decisions, or maybe an incoming first-year college student can learn from some of my experiences.
When I first started college, I was absolutely miserable. Like the miserable that rewatched the entirety of the Hannah Montana series four times in one semester — yeah, it was bad. I was miserable because I was too busy watching everyone else around me. I went on Instagram all day and watched my high school friends at different colleges that looked like they had a way better time than me. I pulled away from everyone I was close to, I didn’t want everyone to know that this college experience I hyped up so much in my head was actual hell, so I pretended I was great whenever someone asked. Still, I was slowly deteriorating from the inside out.
Looking back now, it’s totally normal to feel sad when you first go off to college. It’s a huge change, a lot more freedom than you’re used to, and a lot of room to feel homesick. All of those feelings are more than okay, and watching Hannah Montana more times than I should have is even fine, but what isn’t okay is that I pulled away from everyone because I thought they wouldn’t understand. Whenever you’re sad, reach out to someone — a high school friend, someone you just met in class, a family member, literally anyone at all, but please, I beg of you, do NOT pull away from everyone in your life. It’s so easy to get caught up in your head and think you’re the only one having a rough time, but reach out to someone and I can promise you, you’ll realize that no one is having as good of a time as it seems on Instagram.
Another experience I had was making everyone else’s opinion more important than my own. I asked for everyone’s opinion about everything, from what should I wear to recruitment? (valid question) what should I have for dinner? (invalid). I felt like I needed a stamp of someone’s approval even to exist. I look back at those experiences and I have so much empathy. I was so broken that I just wanted someone to validate me. While I think this is a common human experience with wanting validation, it was a disservice to myself to believe that anyone could make me feel more valid than I could.
College has been a huge journey of learning my value. I now have learned my opinions and thoughts are important and they’re the most important opinion to me. Of course, I still ask for others’ opinions, but I have learned how someone feels about something is not more important than how I feel. I no longer change my entire plans for what someone else thinks I should do; I make choices for myself, I’m the only one who feels the implications of my life day-to-day, so I should at least do what I want. Having this mindset at the beginning of college would have saved me from doing many things I didn’t want to do, but hey, at least I learned my lesson eventually.
When I look back on my college experience, I smile. I’m so glad I stayed in touch with most of my high school best friends and joined Her Campus. I love that I continued to cultivate these friendships and I’m so thankful for the role they’ve played in my life for the past 6+ years. Writing has always been something I loved to do. Since middle school, I’ve journaled every night and scribbled poems in my notebook. The thought of showing people these writings was enough to bring me a full-blown panic attack. I’ve always been paralyzed by fear when I think about others judging my work, but Her Campus allowed me to step outside my comfort zone, write what I want and have it published! If you told me writings of mine would be in an online magazine four years ago, I would have laughed at you.
I definitely made some mistakes in college, but cultivating my high school relationships and applying for a club I never thought I’d make it into is not one of them. So, if you’re just starting college, chase one of your dreams you’d never thought would come true, and if you have a valuable high school friendship, try to keep cultivating it throughout college — it’s so rewarding to have a friend to always come home to on the breaks.
With that, I will say my goodbye. If this is my first article you’re reading, thank you, and if you’ve read every single one that I’ve written, thank you. I’m so happy I had a space for cultivating my dreams these past couple of years.