Something that is not talked about enough is how detrimental trauma can be for love. Being in my first relationship earlier this year, I was able to discover things about myself that I had no knowledge of previously. I had no idea that prior traumatic experiences could have such long-term effects, specifically on how I receive and give love.
This trauma does not need to be trauma from previous romantic experiences, it can be trauma from any experience. Any trauma is capable of altering the way you love, I, myself, have experienced and witnessed several ways that trauma can affect the way a person loves.
I decided to do more research on the topics of trauma and love to better understand the validity of everyone’s trauma responses. Here are some prime examples I recognized of trauma-related responses people have to love.
- ghosting
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In simple terms, ghosting is when you purposely avoid responding to someone and cut contact with them. Many people tend to “ghost” their significant other and it may seem random, which can be confusing for their partner. There are many reasons why a person may begin ghosting their partner: loss of interest, not being ready to commit, or feelings of overwhelmingness.
Many “ghosters” tend to have a history of childhood abandonment. This person may leave a relationship early on because they anticipate getting hurt again because previous people have hurt them, perhaps during their childhood. When situations got difficult in their household, a parent left, so they repeat this in their future relationships. The “ghoster” may feel that they have nobody to rely on other than themselves. Studies have shown that adults who have experienced childhood abandonment struggle with trusting others and maintaining relationships later on in life. To protect themselves from getting hurt again, they keep their partner at a safe distance.
The person is trying to avoid getting hurt. When a person has previously been abandoned by someone they care about, whether that is a family member or romantic partner, they may start abandoning people in their life due to fear of them being abandoned first.
According to relationship experts, some people also feel the best way to deal with their issues is to completely avoid communicating them. The “ghoster” may feel conflicted with what to do in a complex situation they could be encountering with their partner, leading them to believe the best way to solve it is by disappearing.
Being ghosted can cause severe emotional damage and long-term mental health consequences, including depression, anxiety, confusion, and low self-esteem. As a person who has been ghosted, I know it hurts, but it is important to try and understand the root of their ghosting. Although this does not make the person’s disrespectful ghosting behavior acceptable, you will put your mind at ease by feeling less confused. However, this does not by any means mean you owe the ghoster any forgiveness. You deserve someone who recognizes you are way too important to lose.
- Clinginess
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On the other hand, the adverse response to having a history of abandonment could be becoming very clingy in a new relationship. They don’t want to be left again. Causes of clinginess include low self-esteem, fear of abandonment, lack of boundaries, emotional dependence, and attachment trauma. Attachment trauma is referred to when a person lacks the closeness, comfort, and security a child needs to feel secure.
When a child constantly monitors the availability of an inconsistent caregiver, the child’s feelings of safety and security are damaged. Monitoring their caregiver prohibits the child’s ability to develop a sense of self-worth.
These negative self-views carry into the child’s adult life, as they start seeking approval from their romantic partner becomes their only source of self-esteem or validation. The person will become so dependent on their partner. In an effort to feel secure, the person will become overly attached to their significant other and feel obligated to be emotionally and physically close to their partner at all times. They will do anything to make sure their partner never leaves, and they will keep the person within arm’s reach at all times. The person may smother their partner and overly care for them because it heals that part of them that they were so desperate for someone to tend to.
Some people may even be in a relationship, simply because they are attached to their partner, despite it being toxic for their well-being. Despite them being consistently hurt, they stay. Their mind is telling them to leave, but their heart refuses to move a muscle. They may claim that they are persistent in staying with their partner through the ups and downs, but there is a huge difference between downs that are valid, like financial difficulties and health problems, compared to downs that are unforgivable, like cheating, abuse, manipulation, and gaslighting.
It is difficult to leave someone you care about. When you find someone that you feel so comfortable with, the thought of losing them is terrifying. It’s terrifying to realize how much you depend on a person for your happiness, and how easily they can take it away from you. It is important to recognize that you shouldn’t have to beg to feel loved by someone. How can you force someone to love you by giving them more of what they don’t appreciate? If you are begging a person for love, you may want to reconsider your relationship. Loving someone but not receiving the same effort you are giving isn’t enough, you are worth so much more than that.
On the other hand, dealing with someone’s clinginess during a relationship can be overwhelming, but you should try to remember that these behaviors only come from a place of drastic anxiety from their childhood or past relationships. Identifying the root cause is one way a person can learn to manage these behaviors. To build trust and a healthier relationship, a conversation is needed if you feel a lack of personal boundaries in your relationship.
- Impulsivity & Confrontation
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Coming from an unstable background, you may feel the need to institute chaos into a stable relationship because it feels familiar. Everyone wants to feel comfortable in their relationship, which is through familiarity. These people may not be used to things going smoothly, therefore they feel obligated to create drama to feel normal again. These people may lack emotional control and have an increased amount of outbursts.
With an inability to ease their relationship conflicts, the person may spin up stories demonizing the other person. They feel the need to fight fire with more fire. Those who are accustomed to violence and aggression from their childhood may bring that into new relationships now, as a way to handle arguments. This is how arguments were typically dealt with at home, so they know no other way to deal with their conflicts now.
Even if the issue is something minor, the person may feel the need to be overly confrontational and escalate the said issue. They may deem unusual situations as appropriate because it’s what they learned from their caregivers. According to Doctor Nerissa Bauer, children mimic the behaviors of their parents, so they may believe aggression is okay if that’s what they see at home.
“Children develop a mindset when they see how parents deal with problems. It is a script based on early observations in the home,” University of Washington Professor of Social Work Todd Herrenkohl said.
- Misperceptions
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Walls can be built up from feeling unappreciated and undeserving of love in a previous relationship. If a prior partner fails to treat you the way you deserve, you may feel confused when a new partner starts treating you better, as this is an unfamiliar behavior to you. Your ex didn’t just break a promise, they broke your trust.
Misperceptions can cause a person to feel a lot of distrust towards others. They can also lead to false negative assumptions. With a renewed damaged self-worth, you doubt anybody cares about you. If someone is trying to convey their romantic feelings towards you or even just compliment you, you may think they are lying to you to try and manipulate you.
You may also feel hopeless that you’ll never find someone to “put up” with you as if everything is always your fault. This is what gaslighters do to their victims. Gaslighters want you to believe every conflict or problem is always your fault, never theirs. Therefore, they will always be in control of the relationship.
After being consistently gaslit in the past, you now feel paranoid in any relationship that occurs afterward. You believe everything your partner says has to be a lie. The person you were vulnerable with and opened up to end up not being who you thought they were. Trusting someone again is not something that will come easy.
According to Psychology expert Sadia Khan, somebody who’s consistently loving to you leaves you in a state of confusion. You begin to question why they care about you and if it’s even real. They feel obligated to test their partner by shouting at them or pretending to break up with them. However, when a different neglectful and abusive partner approaches you, you feel that sense of familiarity, so you pick them instead.
If you have experienced any of these trauma responses to love, it’s okay and it’s normal. I encourage you to seek help, so you can learn to love more healthily, the way you deserve.
If you or someone you know is seeking help for mental health concerns, visit the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) website, or call 1-800-950-NAMI(6264). For confidential treatment referrals, visit the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) website, or call the National Helpline at 1-800-662-HELP(4357). In an emergency, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK(8255) or call 911.