You’ve given it your all, and it seems like nothing is working. The sex is great, and the time spent together is enjoyable, but you find that you are sad equally as much, if not more. Every relationship has its ups and downs, but when do those ups and downs become a viscous circle? When does love become toxic-love?
It’s hard to leave a relationship, especially if you’ve invested so much time and effort into that person. But while it may seem scary to let go, it could be one of the best things to happen to you. Now I’m not saying you should leave after a few fights. Adversity is healthy and helps a couple’s love grow.
Prolonged adversity, however, is not healthy. A toxic-love relationship may seem romantic, but in truth, it can shroud your life in negativity. It can affect you emotionally, physically, and mentally. It can also have adverse effects on school and your relationships with other people.
Listed below are signs of a negative relationship. If you or your boyfriend are guilty of more than five of them, you should take letting go into consideration.
The Seven Deadly Signs
We are all guilty of snooping through our significant other’s phone/Facebook when the chance allowed it. This, however, should not be demanded of each other. No matter how close you guys are, you should not know each other’s Facebook passwords. Not only does this take away from your independence, but also shows that you don’t have a mutual trust for each other. Same goes for phones. He should not demand to look through your phone on a regular basis. He should also not accuse you of flirting with every single guy you come in contact with. If there’s no trust, then what’s the point of dating? Other signs of a possessive boyfriend show in the time you spend together. Does he always want to come to your classes with you? Does he get mad when you want some alone time? Does he show up banging on your door if your phone has been dead for two hours? Possessiveness can only grow worse with time and can potentially lead to violence.
Whether your man eyed the girl across the room, or elaborated on how much he loves Scarlett Johansson, we’ve all felt jealousy at some point. We are classified as animals. Thus, we are instinctively territorial over our mates. But when does jealousy become too much? Your boyfriend shouldn’t be accusing you of flirting with every guy you come in contact with, and you shouldn’t be doing the same to him. He shouldn’t be mad if other guys check you out when you don’t reciprocate anything back. Jealously is healthy if expressed correctly and can even be cute. Obsessive jealousy, though, leads to a tireless battle of proving your loyalty.
Has he been with someone else since you two have been together? Whether you’re in the relationship, on a two-week break, or in a fight, sleeping with someone else is NOT okay. Breaks are especially tricky when it comes to this. You aren’t technically together, so it’s a hall pass to sleep around, right? Wrong. If you two are still emotionally or sexually involved, you should have respect for the other person. While this may not technically be cheating, it is a betrayal and can damage the relationship just as much. No matter what circumstances he slept with someone else under, it is a clear negative sign. Even if he’s sincerely sorry, the mental picture will plague your mind and cause emotional turmoil. Many “how could you” fights will result as well. It’s very risky to try and work through this if he has done it once. But if he continuously sleeps with other girls, you definitely need to leave. You deserve better, and this puts you at both mental and sexual health risks.
It is a natural human need to connect with another person. That’s the reason why we even start relationships. Having a boyfriend involves some sort of emotional dependence, but this line is easy to cross. Too often, people become dependent on their partner for everything. Do you feel that your day is completely ruined if he doesn’t text you back? Does he get mad when you don’t text back quick enough? Do you feel uncomfortable if you aren’t with them? Do you constantly make personal sacrifices for the sake of the relationship? Codependence is a clear sign of toxic-love. You invest all of your happiness into one person, and if left unfulfilled, extreme anger can ensue. You should define the relationship; don’t let it define you.
Every couple fights at some point. It is the frequency and intensity of the fights that determines whether it is healthy or not. If you find that your fights just rehash the same arguments over and over, that is a big sign. Calling each other every name in the book and then taking it back the next day is also unhealthy. Over time, the hurtful words you say to each other will build up, and you’ll begin to feel that they are true. This mental abuse leads to a loss of self-esteem, which ultimately contributes to your codependence on the relationship to make you happy. If they do something that doesn’t make you happy, fights begin to occur. This is the viscous circle of a toxic relationship. Furthermore, not every single fight should be a ‘do or die’ situation, where breaking up becomes involved. These types of fights are key factors in a negative relationship, no matter how great the makeup sex is. You especially need to leave when they start getting physical. Violence is NEVER the answer in a relationship.
6. Breaking Up
There are always those couples that constantly break up and make up. Are you one of them? Your friends may find it annoying and your family may not take you seriously, but every single one of those break ups feels like the end of the world. This is bad for both your mental health and the relationship. Once you’ve exceeded three times and are considering it again, you should take that as sign to stay broken up. Obviously, there’s a reason why you two can’t stay together consistently.
Whether it’s big or small, lying is a negative characteristic. Sometimes it’s a simple lie to make themselves look better. Sometimes it’s about what they were doing or who they were with. If you keep catching them in lies, you wonder, what else could they be lying about? Not only is it mentally frustrating, but it also shows they have a sneaky, untruthful side.
Love can be very tricky, especially in our collegiate years. You know you’re young, and there is a lifetime of possibilities waiting for you. But you’re also scared that you won’t find anyone else who understands you if you let go. Chances are that you will. While it may seem hard to let go of a long relationship, it’ll be even harder to hold onto the constant negativity.
If you do decide to let go, take this time to focus on yourself – your grades, health, family, and friends. Explore opportunities that you otherwise might have been held back from. After all, you can’t start the next chapter if you keep rereading the last one.