Tinderella- The Never-ending Search for Prince Charming
Once upon a time in a kingdom far, far away (a college campus) lived the beautiful Tinderella. She was smart, adventurous, and ever so single. Since she was well versed in Disney fairytales, she wondered from time to time why a ridiculously handsome knight in shining armor hadn’t come riding in gallantly on a majestic steed to sweep her away yet. Okay, maybe just like a decent looking classmate, but still. So one glorious day she gets tired of cleaning the ashes from the fireplace (read: watching Netflix alone) and decides to put herself out there and enter the dating world! Unfortunately, unlike the Disney classics there was no glamorous ball to make her grand appearance, so she had to think of another way. After finally heeding advice from her magical woodland creature friends (a roommate and some sorority sisters) she decided to take a leap of faith and download Tinder, the modern day fairytale maker.
She artfully selected six pictures to represent the perfect version of herself: a well-lit selfie, an “adventurous shot,” a couple pictures at the bars to show her fun-loving side and a couple inexplicably good hair day shots to keep up appearances. She then began her journey through the woods of left and right swipes and quickly identified eight types of tinder profiles.
1. Sir. Drinks a Lot
Taking full advantage of his four (or more) collegiate years to turn up to the full extent, Sir Drinks a Lot will proudly post every picture on his profile at ye-old Pub. You’ll have a hard time finding a picture of him without beer stains running down his shirt or chugging with his buddies, but he sure is the life of the party! He’ll probably message you only while intoxicated and chances are you’ll run into him at Pub while out with your friends at some point.
2. King of Large- Arms
#Fitfam. This guy’s favorite drink is a protein shake and he’s no stranger to shirtless mirror pics. He probably posts #fitspo pictures on Instagram by the dozen, and would love to find his swolemate. Stick with him and you’ll be mealprepping happily ever after.
3. The Jester
This guy probably earned himself a right swipe because his bio made you laugh. You were sitting there, finger hovering over the option to invite him into your “yes” list or send him off into the oblivion, but once you clicked on that clever one-liner, you were hooked. Maybe cheesy pick-up lines are your thing, or maybe his bio was weird, but your type of weird, and you decided to swipe right and give him a chance. Hopefully his humor carries on into his conversations because you two could really hit it off!
4. The Duke of the Dames
The true definition of a ladies’ man- the Duke of the Dames will never post a Tinder picture without a beautiful girl (or girls) draped on his arms. This could definitely be a red flag for some girls who roll their eyes at the “this isn’t my girlfriend” bio but hey there’s a chance he just has a lot of platonic girl friends? The risk is yours to take. Swipe with caution.
5. Prince Photoshop
Using similar luring tactics as the infamous Jester, Prince Photoshop has mastered the art of attracting double-takes on his profile from countless Tinderellas. Maybe he’s photoshopped a nice “This could be you!” spot where another girl once stood, or maybe he’s created a photo of himself riding a bald eagle into the sunset while carrying an American flag and wearing a sweatshirt made out of “boyfriend material." Either way, what he did definitely made you look twice and it’s the perfect conversation starter.
6. The Scribe
You clicked on his profile because his first picture showed some potential, but by doing so you’ve unknowingly just signed up for a subscription on this stranger’s life. This guy’s bio probably takes up twice the room his photos do and includes his hobbies, annoyances, favorite foods, astrological sign, his shoe size, and the name of his middle school bully. We appreciate your vulnerability, sir, but a little mystery would be nice.
7. The Archduke of Commitment
This guy is in it for the long haul and he wants you to know. Don’t get me wrong; I respect a guy who’s ready to commit eventually, but your “swipe right only if you’re serious” bio is a little off-putting. It doesn’t really make it more casual if you say, “I’m not just here to Netflix and chill," either. You’re on a dating app where you literally swipe away someone’s face you no longer want to see, let’s not be so formal.
8. Count Creeps-A-Lot
This one comes in various forms, all of which should be avoided and blocked immediately upon discovery. Maybe his bio is something weird like “I want to smear green paint all over you and spank you like a disobedient avocado ”or “will pay you through snapcash for nudes and stuff haha," in which case, just run. Please. Don’t even entertain the idea. Sometimes the creeps sneak up on you though, and don’t reveal themselves until you’ve already matched and slide in the conversation with their awkward, inappropriate pick up lines. Luckily, there’s an “unmatch” button, and if you keep messaging me asking why I’m not replying, that’s exactly where I’ll send you.
With all these obstacles in the way, it’s hard being a Tinderella looking for Prince Charming through a sea of swipes. One can only hope the fairy god mother shows up with an awesome dress and the perfect guy to match!
Photo credit: Image