Eight and a half hours by car — without stops. 448 miles away. Unfortunate statistics I’ve come to terms with. When I committed to UCF, this dramatic distance between campus and my home in North Carolina mattered little.
The idea of being so far away from home excited me. Yet, as the day to leave drew nearer, I felt a newfound sense of dread over one thing: leaving behind my boyfriend, James Keane.
Previously, I regarded the idea of long-distance as more of a distant future and less like reality. So when I said my tearful goodbye in August, I deemed it impossible to overcome this hurdle. While James was “confident that we were gonna make it work,” I turned to every possible outlet for advice, and more often than not, left feeling more defeated than before.
The first place I sought advice was Instagram. Although unintentional, my feed was flooded with relationship “advice.” In my experience, social media loves to categorize relationships into boxes. Have you ever seen one of those shape-sorting games for toddlers? That’s what the relationship side of social media feels like. It’s full of theories, tests, and assumptions.
The assertion that relationships will bloom in February (February theory) or that your partner’s commitment to you can be determined by whether they’ll peel you an orange (Orange Peel Theory) is absurd. However, it’s not only ridiculous but harmful.
The firm language used in these social media posts is meant to capture the audience, yet in reality, it creates a well-crafted blanket statement. These sorts of posts are especially harmful to LDRs (long-distance relationships). If your relationship is in a rough patch due to distance, and the feeling of missing your partner becomes overwhelming, a theory on TikTok could cause major harm.
“It’s important to not let social media consume the expectations of a long-distance relationship. Be in the moment.”
UCF Creative Writing student, Madi Fuentes
Outside of negative experiences on social media, many people have communicated that they face pressure from well-meaning friends and family about their LDR. This often comes with the age-old guidance of breaking up with your partner before college. From articles online that preach this, to friends who want you to get “the college experience,” it’s advice most people in long-distance relationships have heard before.
But as Reily O’Keefe, a political science student at UCF, admitted, “I can’t even imagine not doing [long-distance].” She agreed with my sentiment that while it’s unfortunate, we’d rather be long-distance than not with our partner at all. O’Keefe also expressed her personal confusion about why people break up because of distance, and revealed, “I think it’s always worth it.” Agreeing with this wholeheartedly, I found myself seeking to connect with others through LDR spaces.
Yet, after many negative experiences with online spaces and social media’s take on relationships, I realized a change I had to make: stop comparing. Lexi D’Ugard, a health sciences student, commented that, “as a society, we’re so focused on image… relationships are so individual.”
Just like a toddler trying to shove a circle into a square hole, what works for one couple might not work for another. This not only applies to advice from any outlet of life, but also to the validity of the “long-distance” title.
When discussing LDRs, the question of defining what makes a relationship “long-distance” constantly comes up. Many people online have shared that comparing can invalidate their experiences. For Madi Fuentes, a creative writing student, although she and her boyfriend are only a few hours apart, their conflicting schedules make it difficult for them to find time to see each other. This shows that not all LDRs are the same. Still, negative moments online or with friends can make your personal experiences feel isolating and the relationship feel impossible.
Instead, I try to take what I see and hear about LDRs with a grain of salt. I use it as an opportunity to connect with people going through similar experiences, rather than compare and assume. For a healthy use of Instagram, my boyfriend and I will sometimes send each other fun LDR ideas we see online, such as an app to try or a date night idea, rather than obsessing over relationship tests.
When discussing the positives of social media and LDRs, D’Ugard and I bonded over using an app called Cozy Couples as a little way to build our respective relationships, which we both found on Instagram. She mentioned a similar suggestion about how to properly handle social media, advising people to “use your resources.” However, these silly apps or fun date night ideas don’t replace the key components of any good relationship: trust and communication.
Once I was officially long-distance, I quickly found that nothing truly replaced an important conversation. In person, an argument might have been resolved by nothing more than seeing my significant other and being able to hold their hand. For me, it’s a lot harder to stay mad at someone I love if I’m face-to-face with them. The release of dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin from physical touch regulates emotions and can make it easy to forget the root cause of the issue.
Over the phone, however, the only thing you have are your views and morals, along with how you choose to articulate them. When talking with my boyfriend, he said that flexibility and genuinely listening to each other are necessary for success in a long-distance relationship.
Considering that a major killer of long-distance relationships is the deterioration of connection, what you choose to say in times of tension has a significant impact. I learned the importance of intentionality with my words. For my boyfriend and me, we practice this by expressing our gratitude for each other, working through “debates” — our playful name for arguments — and taking the time to understand how we can be better partners.
Paige Zorn, a psychology student, stated, “It’s just about communication.” She also revealed that the relationship she and her girlfriend have is the healthiest one she’s been in, regardless of the distance. Newlywed nursing student, Sophia LaFrance, in a similar vein, commented that “long-distance relationships are what you make out of them.” Just as Zorn and LaFrance shared, rather than focusing on long-distance hacks or specific advice, going back to relationship basics has been what’s worked best for me.
Our communication has created such a difference in “surviving.” For James, it’s made “the things that I thought would be difficult much easier.” When a call felt like it yielded no connection, I felt comfortable calling back and voicing what I needed. I could’ve gone to bed disappointed, but we were able to work through the issue before it could spiral out of control. When he had to break the news that he was unable to visit for a weekend we had originally planned, we were able to work through the disappointment together.
Working through difficult times together strengthened our relationship. LaFrance expressed that she was “so much more appreciative of the time [she and her husband] have together,” and their time apart made their relationship “so much stronger.”
Although I never fully knew what to expect before I was two states away, in just a few months, I’ve definitely learned some invaluable knowledge of both dos and don’ts of keeping any relationship healthy. At the end of the day, surviving and thriving long-distance didn’t come from theories on social media or outside advice from a friend. It comes from continued effort, trust, and communication on both sides of our relationship, as well as shared goals and plans. Working together to figure out what’s best for us has made a world of difference when it feels like we’re worlds apart. My boyfriend and I call ourselves a team for a reason. He shared with me that “the excitement of getting to live a life worth living with you in the future” makes everything worth it, and I have to agree.