If you’re anything like me, you’ve now fully reentered your middle school Harry Potter phase as a 20-year-old college student thanks to TikTok. This rekindled obsession with all things Harry Potter just so happened to come at the same time as my favorite fall tradition, rewatching all of Gilmore Girls (and pretending that Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life doesn’t exist). In the second episode of the first season when I heard Ms. Patty tell her dance students, “Walk smooth. That’s the new Harry Potter on your heads,” I took it as a sign to grab my wand and finally sort our favorite residents of Stars Hollow into their Hogwarts Houses. And just like the Sorting Hat, I’ve never made a mistake.
- Rory Gilmore- Ravenclaw
Okay, we’ll start with an easy one. I mean, she read “The Illiad” in elementary school and asked for encyclopedias for Christmas. With her natural intelligence, Yale education and the wit that she inherited from Lorelai, Rory would definitely make Rowena Ravenclaw proud. She might even steal the title of “Brightest Witch of Her Age” from Hermione. And this might just be me, but I think that Rory would have been totally annoyed that all of the drama with the Golden Trio kept her from studying for her OWLs.
- Lorelai Gilmore- Slytherin
If you would put Lorelai in Gryffindor, I’m sorry, but you’re lazy. She perfectly fits all of the characteristics of a Slytherin so well that this would be a no brainer for the Sorting Hat. The main argument for Lorelai being a Gryffindor is that she was brave for leaving home at 16 and while I agree that it was totally a badass thing to do, Lorelai running away to start a new life for her and Rory was more of an act of self-preservation — a common characteristic of Slytherins. She was resourceful as a single mother and built the Dragonfly Inn from the ground up with her Hufflepuff BFF, Sookie. Not to mention, she was always using her natural wit and charm to get what she wanted. Let Lorelai Gilmore be your reminder that not all Slytherins are evil.
- Emily Gilmore- Slytherin
The matriarch of the Gilmore Girls is a Slytherin, no questions asked. Emily is social climbing and ambitious, often to a fault. If you don’t think that the Gilmores were having dinner parties with Malfoys every week, then you’re wrong. Her methods may have been manipulative or unconventional, but Emily Gilmore always got her way. She’s totally Head Girl material and she would have earned a ton of points for Slytherin to help them win the House Cup.
- Luke Danes- Hufflepuff
If there’s one person in Stars Hollow that you can always depend on, it’s Luke. From taking in Jess, hiring Lane and Zach, fixing up the Gilmore House and dedicating himself to being a part of April’s life, Luke is always willing to (begrudgingly) lend a helping hand. Luke was also incredibly patient in waiting for Lorelai to realize that they belonged together. He may be tough on the outside, but deep down we all know that Luke is loyal and lovable.
- Lane Kim- Gryffindor
Surprisingly, Lane is the only Gryfindor on the list, and I love that for her. While you could argue that Lane’s CD hiding system and constant plans to evade her mother align more with the resourceful and cunning aspects of Slytherin, I think that Lane proved that she was brave and daring like a true Gryffindor plenty of times. Lane is passionate about her rock and roll dreams, full of nerve, and always tells Rory the truth, which secures her a spot in the same house as the Golden Trio. Plus, I want to see Hep Alien play at the Yule Ball, anyone else?
- Logan Huntzberger- Slytherin
Logan is the Gilmore Girls equivalent of Draco Malfoy — prove me wrong. Powerful family? Check. Wanting to live a different life than his over-ambitious father? Check. Member of a secret society that participates in dangerous activities? Check. Handsome and blonde? Also, check. Despite his differences from his father, Logan is still extremely cunning and ambitious, and definitely has a certain disregard for the rules, making him perfect for Slytherin’s house. Even though Fred and George Weasley are Gryffindors, I still think they would be causing mischief with Logan as members of the Hogwarts Life and Death Brigade.
- Jess Mariano- Ravenclaw
If I made Amortentia in Potions Class, it probably would have smelt like Jess Mariano. I know that it may seem cliche to sort him into Ravenclaw just because he likes books, but above all, he values knowledge and reason like a true Ravenclaw. Just like fellow Ravenclaw Luna Lovegood, Jess rejects certain social norms for the sake of his own curiosity. Only in his case, the social norm he rejects is finishing high school so that he could run away to find himself and write his novel. Personally, I think that Jess would thrive at Hogwarts because he would actually get to practice magic instead of sitting in a classroom and listening to boring lectures all day.
- Dean Forester- Hufflepuff
I know that not everyone shares my soft spot for Dean, but he was the type of boyfriend that girls dream about, and that gives me Hufflepuff vibes. Kind, hard-working and humble, Dean would be the boy in your Herbology class that you hoped to be partners with and captain of the Hufflepuff Quidditch team. If only we had the time-turner and could go back to before he and Rory hooked up while Dean was married.
I think that Hogwarts would be lucky to have Rory, Lorelai, and all of their friends in the Wizarding World and, if it really means that much to you, you can choose a different house for your favorite Gilmore Girls character. The Sorting Hat and I take your choice into account.
And there are a few more characters that I couldn’t help but sort, so I’ll leave you with a few bonus house sortings:
Slytherin: Paris, Richard, Michel, Christopher
Hufflepuff: Sookie, Jackson, Kurt, Marty
Ravenclaw: April, Max Medina