Content warning: this article contains mentions of suicide and self-harm.
Dear X,
As you know, it’s been six years since I attempted to take my own life. It’s been a couple of months since you first mentioned to me that you had thought about taking yours.
Do you remember what you said to me on the rocks in the summer of 2015? You asked me if I was actually planning on leaving you behind. If I really would go through with it and leave you all alone. Just thinking about it makes me tear up. The short answer is that I wasn’t thinking. Not about you, not about anyone. But since that moment, I haven’t forgotten the idea that anything I do impacts you.
From the moment you were born, you have brought never-ending sunshine into the lives of absolutely everyone you have come in contact with. Through stupid jokes, storytelling or just being there for those you love, you’ve never ceased to amaze me with everything you do. You’re smart, funny, beautiful and all around the most incredible person I’ve ever met. No, I’m not just saying that because you’re my sister. No, I’m not just saying that to make you feel good. Would I ever lie to you?
Since you told me about the cuts that cover your wrists and the demons that creep into your mind, I’ve tried with every fiber of my being to be there for you. I know I live so far away and I can’t (physically) be there for a lot of what you’re going through, but please remember I am never further than a phone call away. I know sometimes you don’t want to “bother” me, but believe me when I say that you have never once been a bother to me. Pinky promise. I’m glad you have people there you can talk to (shoutout to the two people that have helped you more than anyone else lately). Despite other people having issues with it, I think having adults that can help you is better than your peers telling you they don’t have anything to say or making it worse. Stick with people who bring you up, not tear you down. You taught me that.
X, I am terrified to lose you. I know you keep promising you won’t do anything, but it scares me to think there is a possibility that it could happen. And there’s nothing I can do to stop that. You have brought so much positivity to my life. And I want to be able to reciprocate that for you; to bring you positivity and love when you need it most, put a smile on your face when you’ve had a particularly sucky day, and be that sunshine that you have been to me since you were born. I just want to be the best sister I can possibly be for you.
I want to help you. I want you to get better. I want you to look at yourself like I look at you. I want you to get the help you need to get through this. And now that someone is willing to take you, I’m praying you can. And I will do everything in my power to help and support you along the way.
I hope one day you can love and forgive yourself the way you do others. And I can’t wait for that day. You are a ray of sunshine, for me and everyone else whose life you have entered. I love you, X. Don’t ever forget that.