I have noticed something as I have grown older. I have become the mom I used to resent; the mom who made me put my shoes in a specific corner, wash every dish before I put it in the dishwasher, and be certain of every decision.
Living away from home at college, I have noticed that while the woman who shaped me into who I am doesn’t live with me, I am the woman she shaped. When I was a kid, my mom was always so strong and decisive; traits that used to annoy me. Why couldn’t she be more carefree? Why did she care so much about where I put my shoes?
However, since then, I have grown up. I now realize these traits of hers weren’t meant to be obstacles. Rather, they were her way of preparing me for an environment where timidity does not get you very far.
Being raised by a single mom, I learned promptly how society treats women, especially strong women. I watched how a woman’s assertiveness is viewed as difficult, while a man’s assertiveness is seen as leadership. I saw how women were expected to be organized but not controlling, sweet but still firm, and confident but not intimidating. It seems you have to walk on eggshells, but they’re already broken.
Apperance
I have noticed these lists of expectations shift from something I merely observed to something I’ve lived. I remember being in high school and noticing how casually the term “glow up” was thrown around, a trend in which people would upload a photo of themselves from when they were younger, place it beside a photo of their current adult self, and caption it with some variation of the “___ effect”: the “college effect,” the “sophomore effect,” the “breakup effect.”
Yet somewhere in that “pre-glow-up” photo is a young girl who had no idea the person who would scrutinize her looks most in the years to come would be herself.
As women, we are often our harshest critics. The goal is always to be the most evolved, put-together version of ourselves and outgrow every perceivable flaw; however, when we do that, we often miss that life’s true passion is not finding ourselves, but creating ourselves.Â
Identity
In doing so, we find our strength. Not by claiming an identity, but by living a life of growth and appreciation for every version of ourselves we got to experience before becoming the person we are today.
Away in college, I now find joy in the traits I share with my mom. They resemble the growth I’ve gone through to be where I am now. Someone decisive, who knows what she wants, and isn’t afraid to take up space. I used to see those qualities in my mother and wonder why she was so stubborn. Now, I understand that her certainty was never meant to limit me, but to give me a foundation.
And you know what? I hate to say it, but she was right. The shoes look better in the corner.