There are a few moments in life that I can vividly remember, I can recall conversations, my surroundings, and my thoughts from these moments. I can vividly remember sitting in class listening to a lecture from an old cynical algebra teacher, my freshman year of high school. “Mr. Z” was always lecturing us, “America’s next great generation” on statistical yet subjective information. One day “Mr. Z” enlightened us by claiming that half of college students drop out their freshman year. In retrospect, I am not entirely sure why I can recall this memory so vividly. At the time, my teacher’s comment didn’t faze me. I thought it was just another scare tactic to enforce the true meaning of life— SOHCAHTOA.
In high school, not graduating was never a thought. I always knew I was going to college, and at that time, I thought obtaining a college degree would be easy and require the same amount of effort of high school. I could not have been any more wrong. In high school, I didn’t have to study. Over 4 years of English classes I only actually read one of the many books assigned. I graduated a tenth of a point from Summa Cum Laude and didn’t lift a finger. (Maybe I would’ve been Summa Cum Laude if I did.) I thought college was going to be a breeze like high school. If I did go to class, I didn’t pay attention because I didn’t really understand what my professors were teaching. I didn’t read textbooks or study because I couldn’t keep my mind focused on my work. I started to fail. I felt worthless and stupid. All my friends were making the dean’s list, and I was making my way toward academic probation. I felt lost. My whole life, one thing I could identify with was my intelligence. My knowledge was my identity. My confidence stemmed from my academic performance. It felt like my whole life was just taken from me in a blink of an eye.
Moving on, I made it my personal mission to find myself again. I dyed my hair twice, pulled a 2007 Britney Spears and shaved my hair off, got 4 tattoos, and a nose piercing. I tried multiple styles not attempting to conform, but trying to figure out my likes and dislikes. At the beginning of my spring semester freshman year, I hit a stage where I just got tired of college.
I completely just quit going to class in spring. I literally just walked away from it all. I can’t really explain why; I was just constantly unsatisfied. It seemed like everyone was blossoming and finding their way, except me. I admired all the growth in my friends and loved ones that surrounded me. But, I feel like I was too busy observing the growth in others, I robbed myself of the opportunity to grow.
I left school after the withdrawal deadline, receiving poor grades. Why didn’t I stick it out for the last month? I couldn’t even tell you. This poor decision changed my entire academic life. For starters, my GPA plummeted, I lost my financial aid, and I cannot have less than a 2.0 each semester, or I’ll be asked to leave the university.
I put myself in quite the predicament, and it was a hard hole to crawl out of. But, no matter how bad a situation is, if you set your mind to it, you can turn things around.
I later found out, I was experiencing an identity crisis when I left school in spring. I moved back in with my parents for that summer. I started to see a therapist and was diagnosed with ADHD. I had lived almost nineteen years with a mental disorder and didn’t even know it. I never would’ve thought I had ADHD, instead I thought I was lazy and unintelligent. By the time I was diagnosed with ADHD I was so discouraged, my confidence was shot, and I didn’t look at myself or love myself as I once did. I think this led to my identity crisis. After a few therapy sessions, I learned more about ADHD, and how serious of a disorder it is. I started medication and other alternative treatments including diet and exercise. Over the summer, I focused on myself and learned to love myself.
Applying all the things I learned about life and about myself over summer into my everyday life now, I am really enjoying who I’m becoming. I’m performing very well in school, I’ve attended every class, turned in every assignment, and have not received a single grade lower than a 90%. I am realizing that I do belong here, in college. I realize that I actually am intelligent. My confidence is back. I joined a few clubs at school, and activities that used to bring me joy, have found their way back into my life. Out of all the lifestyle changes I made over the summer, I think regaining my confidence is what improved my performance in school. I’m comprehending lectures and retaining the lessons they teach. I feel my knowledge expanding, and there’s no greater feeling. I am happy to be growing and being able to witness the growth. I’m happy to be happy.
When you figure out what works for you, you find the key to your success. Once you stumble upon that, I truly believe one becomes invincible. What works for you, might not always be what’s best for others. And that’s OK. Never apologize for being yourself, or for doing what you have to do for your benefit. As college students, these next few years shapes the rest of our lives. Every decision we make now is crucial for our future. I am very grateful that making the wrong decisions led to the right decisions being made. I am grateful for all the help I received from those close to me. My life was made a lot more difficult because of my identity crisis. But, if it would have never happened, I wouldn’t believe in myself, I wouldn’t know myself, and I wouldn’t love myself.
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