I don’t know how to come to terms with the fact that you’re gone. I still look at all of our messages, Snapchats, and anything on social media I can find of us. I still send you funny tweets. I still wonder, “What would Allie do or say if she were here?” I still find myself endlessly wondering why you had to leave us so soon. So where do I even begin?
We’ve been friends for as long as I can remember. From playing dress-up to giving our family “makeovers,” aka putting gel in their hair and red lipstick all over their face (LOL). Not too mention the many shows we hosted for our family that ranged from singing “I Got a Pocket Full of Sunshine” to dancing to the Black Eyed Peas. We really never had dull moments together, as we were always up to something mischievous and funny.
No one ever understood me the way you did. You were one of the very few people who knew all of my fears, secrets, goals, and everything that made me, me, and yet you still loved me unconditionally. You were always so kind, so open-minded, and accepting. No matter the situation you saw the best in everyone. That was one thing I loved about you more than anything. You loved me simply for me, nothing more nothing less — and I loved you simply because you were you. Your love was endless and overflowing and you had one of the biggest hearts. You inspired people. You believed in people. You made a difference in every life you touched. To have all these traits is such a beautiful, rare thing in this world and I can never express how lucky I am to have gotten to call you one of my best friends.
I’ll never forget the last thing I said to you. It was really hard to see you like that, and it was even harder to talk to you without hearing your voice or laugh. It was just you and me though and I had so many things I wanted to say to you, but I didn’t know how. All I could summon up the courage to say without sounding weak or crying was “I love you so much, Allie. You are so loved by so many people.” And you immediately squeezed my hand as hard as you could. And that was all I needed. That was more than enough.
You passed away on your favorite holiday, Halloween, as we all held your hand imagining how beautiful Heaven must be. I can only imagine.
Allie Hart, you have impacted my life more than you could ever possibly imagine. You were my best friend, my Olive Garden buddy, future bridesmaid, wingman, and not to mention the biggest Harry Potter/Star Wars/The Office guru. You never ceased to fascinate me with your extensive movie collection and knowledge on just about all Disney related things. I think that’s how we clicked so easily. We simply loved the same things and loved to laugh. (Not to mention your laugh was mildly contagious.)
I can barely say your name without breaking down in tears. It hurts to look at pictures of us. It all hurts so badly because I loved you so much, Allie. I would have done anything in the world for you.
As I sat at your funeral, filled with a mix of emotions and feeling more lost than ever, the pastor said something pivotal. It was apparent we all felt such a strong level of grief, but instead of talking about that, he said this: “We grieve deeply because we love deeply. How lucky we are to have experienced that kind of love for somebody.” That quote hasn’t left my mind for a second. I guess it’s truly a beautiful thing to hurt so badly because it means you were loved so wholeheartedly.
I love you to the moon and back and then some. You’re not gone, as you are in my heart forever. Your legacy lives on and not a day will go by that I won’t miss you. I’ll be seeing you my sweet, beautiful cousin Allie.
All images provided by the author.