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Love Your Lady Lumps, Part 2: The Benefits of Big Boobs

Christine Hendricks (Mad Men), was taunted about her large breasts in school but has since been named “World’s Sexiest Woman” by Esquire magazine.

In Love Your Lady Lumps, Part 1: The “Perks” of Small Boobs, we learned that women’s breasts deserve some lovin’ (both mental and physical) regardless of their size. Why not? Part erogenous zone, part tiny human feeder, and part “get out of jail free” card, they are one versatile body part – well, two parts. If boobies were a Marvel comic character, they would be Mystique-mischievous, but adaptable and sexy.

As bigger things often do, though, boobs of the larger variety have a tendency to stand out more (I think that’s called physics?). Albeit our society’s obvious fascination with bountiful breasts, enumerating their bounty apart from size proved more difficult than doing it for smaller boobs, not just for me (who as a 36A has spent two decades convincing myself that the lower drawers in the Victoria’s Secret store would mean sagging and back pain, and given my brains and luxurious hair, having big boobs would just be too unfair to everybody else), but also for the girls carrying around two more girls all the time. When asked how her large chest benefits her, a 32DD University of Central Florida student said, “It’s hard because you can work with small boobs a lot more when it comes to good things. For big boobs…the only good thing is you always have some cleavage and you get boys’ attention.”

Apparently, even well endowed chicks need a little boost…of confidence! So, I challenged myself to a list of eight “perks” of a chest more influenced by gravity. I considered a simulation workshop like the ones that force you to wear blinding glasses and tape your joints to show you what it’s like to be old (oops, elderly), except more fun. This is just a fun bag–I mean, blog–though, and I’m poor, have classes to attend, and I’m catching up on True Blood (which is sort of like observing breast diversity anyway, if you think about it). While passing this off to somebody with firsthand experience seems like a good idea, personal accounts end up so whiney, and after the first article I know that coming up with a lot of synonyms for boobs is way too much fun to just give to somebody else, and DON’T YOU GIRLS GET ENOUGH

1. STUFF!?!
Whoa, sorry for that outburst. Clearly it’s time for this exercise in cultural diversity.

Not everyone can be swayed by cleavage, but this has to be mentioned. Some women credit their boobs for vanishing bar tabs and free ninety-nine dollar meals. As less-chesty women expend energy smiling as widely as possible, fervently batting their eyelashes, and racking their brains for the right words to say, the busty babes are already out the door with their extra frosties! Well, you know what? We are burning–and getting–less calories. SO THERE! Ok, I’m done. I love my knockers, even if they are made for hobbit doors.

2. They can hold said “stuff.”
It’s true that ringing cleavage is not so classy, but if you leave your phone on vibrate, holding your cell phone in your boobs could feel great. Haha! I am terrible. Still, having a place to hide my lipstick when I have no pockets would be nice. Want to bring your teacup Pomeranian to class? No problem. On a serious note, I do hear about girls using their chests as a shelf or holder of some kind, but please don’t put live animals where they can get smothered.

3. They are attention grabbers.
There are biological and social theories as to why boobs get noticed. Either way, they are just so…there. Though females can feel frustrated that their chests steal the gaze of men and even women, 87 percent of 700 women surveyed by Men’s Health believed that they received preferential treatment when they made an effort to show off their boobs. Some girls express feeling powerful with their breasts exposed, enjoying that men stare. While boobs can feel like the wrong aspect to give an impression, they aid in fulfilling a human need to be noticed and remembered…and control men’s minds! Just kidding…well, maybe not. Good thing I don’t have to make that kind of decision.

4. They have a “tighter” relationship with clothes.
Depending on the material and cut, girls sometimes have to get the next size up in their textiles to accommodate their boobs, even if their slender frame calls for a smaller size. Though preventing pain can be a pain, a lot of garments intended for women purposely leave craters to be filled by ample breasts. Corsets are not always constructed with littler mammary glands in mind, and bikinis might expose A-cup nipples even though they were meant to cover those final frontiers to hide at the beach. These kinds of tops are made to accentuate that “extra” flesh. Sure, you might feel pressured by society to compromise your “place” and always wear an uncomfortable bra all the time, but according to my recent forays into feminism, bra burning didn’t even really happen, and they are just so pretty.

Intentional or not, big boobs show. Whether more-than-peeking-out of a low-cut top or totally encased in a turtleneck, they protrude from shirts and blouses. This is sometimes construed as a con, but it can be very flattering. From a guy’s perspective, just a bit less is left to the imagination, exuding a sex appeal that other women might feel they need to put forth more of an effort for.

5. Your sacks don’t suck in the Sack.
As much emphasis as we’ve placed on guys and boobs, the subject that ultimately encompasses all of these issues is sex. Every breast varies, even on the same person, but it is true that some men prefer larger tatas. Blame it on the media or modes of mating, but large breasts have pointed to fertility, whether consciously or subconsciously, throughout the ages. Besides, they make supposedly fantastic pillows, especially if your partner is allergic to down.

People have divergent criteria for what they find attractive, so every woman has something to offer. I regret to reveal, though, that recent scientific studies have provided evidence for a physiological reason to find larger breasts more attractive to men, envied by women, and both by lesbians; actually no, because they can’t directly reproduce with another woman. I am procrastinating. Alright, drum roll (eye roll)…larger breast size (and even a relatively smaller waist to breast and hip ratio) have been linked to higher levels of progesterone and 17-b-estrodiol, hormones which are directly proportional to fertility – perhaps enhancing sexual attraction by chemically ensuring a continuing blood line in a patriarchal society. I hope the Ken dolls know what they’re in for…well, what they would be in for if they had genitalia. Anyway, now men have an excuse to glare and women have an excuse to gloat. Ugh, you’re welcome.

6. They make you feel more “womanly.”
While women with more androgynous figures can be beautiful – and yes, bare children-breasts are regarded as a typical indicator of the female sex, along with wider hips. So, it seems natural to feel more “womanly” if you possess an “hour-glass” figure. Our 32DD collegiette™ sited this as a reason she loves her lumps, but it does not necessarily mean that those lacking them should pay the big bucks for big boobs.

7. You got another thing for “free.”
Even strangers can usually tell fake breasts apart from boobies-from-birth, and friends will notice the dramatic change. Aside from looking and feeling differently than natural nodules, breast implants can also cause health issues in some cases. Still, number six and other benefits outweigh the risks for certain girls, prompting them to plump. Many enhanced women say that the surgery increases confidence as much as breast size, and they would never go back on their new rack.

Though larger breasts can be linked to weight gain, many healthy (and even very skinny) women have big boobs (thanks to a hormonal balance that allows the retained fat to accumulate near the mammary glands), and overweight women may not have a proportionately large chest at all. As long as you are at a personally healthy weight and still have large ones, you have something that people go through a lot of trouble to get. Even the rare woman needing reduction surgery often opts to keep her boobs relatively big. We know that you’ve been through a lot with them, but take a moment of gratification for your grapefruits. To think I brag about having a natural eyebrow arch that other people spend a whopping $10 for, psh.

Though she possesses a “slender” body type, Anne Hathaway also has C-cups, which she has proudly shown bare in movies like Brokeback Mountain and Love and Other Drugs.

8. Positive Publicity
Smaller chests do seem to be getting more coverage in men’s magazines (well, less coverage, then) and more nude scenes on film, but they also seem to be appreciated subtly, while the media more prominently attends to big boobs, both visually and verbally. Heck, how many songs do you hear about small boobs? It’s all “double Ds.” Maybe it’s demeaning to you, but the only song written about “Itty Bitty Titties” is a diddy by David Alan Coe, and it’s supposed to be “ironic.” As if I weren’t upset enough by the lack of songs about a man in love with a girl that has my eye color or name…wait, there is that John Mellencamp song that’s like, “Jackie says, ‘Hey Diane…’” Jackie’s a dude, isn’t he? I lose again.

Well, here’s another ode. As post-pubescent collegiettes™, we should finally be coming to grips with what we are given, but women’s bodies are susceptible to many changes and women’s minds don’t mind a little reassurance once in a while. Remember, if not after menarche, these boobs could be yours after babies, birth control, or weight fluctuation. In case you’ve never had them, your set shrinks, or you must bid your big biddies adieu for a more serious reason, be sure to check out Love Your Lady Lumps, Part 1. Everyone should give each size a little awareness and appreciation.

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