A Letter to the Love of My Life

This is a Dear John letter. I hope you're doing well. I hope you're happy. I've been doing ok. I'm fine. I've been reflecting recently. It seems like that is all I do nowadays. I go from being ok and being happy, then to sad and distraught, to angry and vengeful. I can't seem to stay stable. All I can do is think about us. After all, we were together for four and a half years.

You were a huge part of my life and now that era is just over. There is no being happy and laughing with you or looking at you thinking this is all I ever really wanted. I had to remove the memories of you from my sight. If you were going to occupy my head, the least I could do for myself is to ensure that you didn't occupy my physical space. Everyone is telling me that how I feel is normal and fine. While even I know that, I don't feel fine. I feel... I'm not even sure there's a singular word to describe the extreme range of emotions I feel for you.

I hate you. I hate you for not loving me more. I hate you for not loving me as much as I loved you. I hate you for loving me enough that you stayed and indulged yourself in everything I could give. I hate that when I had nothing left to give, you left. I hate that you dried me out and then left. I hate that you made me love you. I hate that you were exactly the kind of guy who could break my heart. I never had my heart broken nor had been in love prior to you. You knew just how to get me to love you. The way you laughed at my jokes and the way you looked at me with such warmness that I felt that I was the sun. Being with you at times felt like walking outside and feeling the warmth of the sun spread across your skin after being inside a cold room all day. I hated that I loved it. I hate that I still love you. You loved me just enough, but not enough for our relationship to be sustained. I don't think another human being has ever consumed me the way you did. I felt like I was flying. I felt like Icarus. I kept flying being completely unaware of the fact that I was flying too close to the sun and that at any minute, I could crash.

How could you? With all that I laid out in front of you, how could you leave? There wasn't even a real reason for you leaving. You told me it was so that you could grow and be the man I needed. Yet, it doesn't feel like you're going to be that man. It feels like a pathetic excuse for you to hurt me and run away to be a boy. How is she? How is the girl you micro-cheated on me with and is now entertaining? Does she compare to me? I know you're only using her to drown me out. I hope she treats you well. All of your friends are telling you to move on. You were a coward and couldn't tell them your messed up plan of chasing me and never letting me go. I know I will never really leave your heart as you will never really leave mine. I know that one day you will come back and ask for me again. I hope by then I will have been smart enough and loved myself enough to have disappeared from the spot that you left me in.

I think the worst part of all of this is that I still love you. I still love you with every fiber of my being. Before anyone asks, yes I have been with other people. I feel it in the depths of my soul that no one is meant for me the way you are. I don't feel an ounce of what I feel for you for anyone else. Maybe that's why you're the only person who can make me as angry as I am. No one has ever made me feel as hurt as you have — it's something about you. You had always asked why I loved you. I often couldn't explain it in words because the way you made me feel was indescribable. I just knew that you were my person. Yet, now I am here without you by my side. I looked at old pictures of us and compared it to pictures of us from recent. I wondered if I always had those scars or if that was something I got from being with you.

The funny thing is in my dreams, we're still together. When I wake up from them, I have to remember that we're not.

I still love you. I will always love you, but I hope one day I don't have your phone number memorized. I hope one day I'm okay.