I grew up, as lots of little girls do, dreaming of one day becoming a bride. My grandmother gifted me a playset complete with a little plastic white ring and a pale pink wedding certificate, on which I wrote in my name next to my kindergarten crush’s. I played “house” with my elementary school guy friends, which really just consisted of playing husband and wife.
Even as I grew older and became to read and hear of marriages crumbling apart as if they were never truly founded on love to begin with, I never lost my desire to get married.
And when I truly learned the meaning of being a feminist and faced boys who made me understand the perceived “hatred” of men that boils deep inside any woman who has faced sexism or abuse of any kind, I still clung to the hope that Prince Charming existed.
And that, in itself, is an inherently “unfeminist” statement. Marriage, historically, was not about love, it was about an exchange of property, that property being the bride. And in some countries, it still is. While in America we now view it as a joining of lovers who are equals, we still employ the same traditions founded on the idea that brides were being ‘given’ to their husbands: the father walks the bride down the aisle, the wife takes the husband’s surname, and usually only having men give speeches.
Even the tradition of throwing the bouquet can be viewed as a way of proclaiming that women are less valuable until they are married off.
Photo by Clotaire Folefack
Feminism seems to me to be, in part, about freedom, and marriage, for some seems to be the opposite. How can you be free to do as you wish if you’re legally bound to one person your whole life? You can’t just decide to have or not have kids, change jobs, or move across the country when you have someone else to consider. And for a while, I feared that, for that reason, I wouldn’t be married till forty or so, when I had gotten most of that out of my system. I figured I could always adopt and be a single mom on my own terms and my own timeline. And while there is something so incredibly empowering about that scenario, the fact that I still very much want, and even feel the need to be married, doesn’t make me any less of a powerful woman.
I used to think sometimes that it would; that by feeling the need to have a man in my life when I otherwise feel so independent and terribly ambitious, made me weaker.
But when I dreamt of Prince Charming, I never dreamt of being saved. I dreamt of finding someone who would treat me as an equal and support my dreams, but never financially.
I wanted, and still want, to strive to be the breadwinner of the relationship, and to have that not be viewed as “demasculinizing” for my future husband.
I’m not sure yet about kids, but I know my career will always come first, and marriage will only work for me if that choice of mine is respected.
I want to be proposed to, not the one proposing. I want a pretty white dress and a gorgeous, yet simple outdoor wedding. I want to write my own vows and maybe discard some old wedding traditions, and I may only take his last name if it has a nice ring when placed with mine, but overall, I’m a cliche. I know that. But that still does not mean I am any less of a feminist.
I don’t want to get married just for the sake of saying I’m somebody’s, I want it to be a thought-out decision that fits into my life when it does happen.
If to some the desire to be a bride evokes the idea of Cinderella and the literal Prince Charming, or Snow White, or Aurora, or any other princess who is ‘saved’ by her prince, I say to start thinking more in terms of Tiana and Prince Naveen; a relationship where the woman gets to live out her dream and her husband is there to support her along the way and become a part of that dream.
Lover, best friend, business partner, biggest cheerleader, furbaby dad, real baby dad, adventure buddy, other-half-of-the-Ben-and-Jerry’s-eater….I want a husband to be someone who can wear all of these hats; someone who is so much more than an anchor I’m bound to for fear of being alone.
Marriage may or may not be for you, but either way, you can be a strong, independent, girlboss who is worthy and successful in her own right.
Cover photo by Sweet Ice Cream Photography