I have always been the kind of girl who sticks to her convictions. Peer pressure has never had any effect on me. I don’t drink alcohol. I don’t smoke or do drugs. I will never have premarital sex.
And because of the last one, my first boyfriend broke up with me in the most immature way possible after only two and a half weeks.
Our meeting hadn’t been a conventional one. He wasn’t some cute guy in my Psych class or a skateboarder who bumped into me. We met through modern means, on Tinder. Yeah I know, just reading that may make you think I was naïve for looking for a guy on hook-up central. Meaningful long-term relationships are not Tinder’s forte. But believe me when I say I thought he and I would be different.
We didn’t make small talk when we spoke. We talked about politics and our childhoods and where we wanted to go in our lives. He even asked if a hook-up was all I was looking for, I said no and he was on the same page as me. The only place where we clashed was in regards to our worldviews, I am a Christian and he was an Atheist. That should’ve been my first clue that it probably wouldn’t work, but I was determined to see the boy behind the worldview. And interestingly enough, our worldviews actually had very little to do with our breakup.
After snapchatting and video chatting for a week straight we agreed to meet in person and we hit it off. He got along with my friends and roommates, we understood each other’s sarcasm, he was easy on the eyes, and wasn’t too bad of a kisser either. From there on we were the epitome of couple goals.
We spent nearly every day together on campus, went out to lunch, and even an afternoon at the grocery store. I awoke to a variety of good morning texts. We shared elevator kisses like a PG-13 rated Fifty Shades of Grey and a bridal carry kiss straight out of An Officer and a Gentleman. He said he didn’t understand how I was interested in him, saying I was out of his league. He told me he loved me and was okay with me not saying it back right away.
He said he wanted to be my first and my last.
I was sated. I was happy.
But because of the rose-colored glasses I wore and the hope that I had, I was blind to all the signs of an underlying problem.
In a move that usually doesn’t occur until months into a relationship, he and I talked about our future and marriage. I would prefer to wait to be married until I’m settled into my career. He didn’t want to be married at all, ever. As much as I hoped we could be long-term, I didn’t give too much thought to this. Why should something so far away have any effect on our relatively new relationship?
I couldn’t have been more wrong.
When I look back, I realize that the amount of times he asked me when we could have sex while we were together was unsettling and one time too many. He knew I was intent on staying a virgin until I was married, a choice both religion based and personally based, but that didn’t seem to stop him from asking. I’m almost surprised he never tried to take it farther with how adamant he seemed to be.
I had thought kissing alone would be enough to satiate him, but again I was wrong.
Like flicking off a light switch, he went from constantly around to gone without a trace. Not a single text message, Snapchat, or phone call. I’ve never been much of an emotional girl, and this situation was no different. I didn’t cry after that first day of no contact. I listened to empowering breakup music—my gut was telling me it was the end—and had a movie night with one of my best friends. I was fine the next day, and the next, and the next.
So, it was no surprise that when I saw a spiteful message on his Snapchat story, calling me his sloppy seconds and claiming to have had sex with me in all manners and methods, I laughed. I laughed harder than I thought possible. All I could think about was how immature he clearly was and how I’d never thought the Taylor Swift song “Forever & Always” would eventually apply to me.
I don’t say all of this to bad-mouth him. That’s where he and I differ.
My problem is with the fact that because I wouldn’t have sex, my first relationship ended in an abrupt and nasty way. And that shouldn’t be the case.
If a guy must have sex with his girlfriend to remain in a relationship with her, it not only reveals a problem with him, but even with the way society is nowadays. Sex is considered a normal part of dating and relationships; I may not agree but I’m not here to judge. However, when a girl or a guy wants to wait until marriage to take that step, it makes finding something long term more difficult.
I do believe that at one point during our brief relationship, my ex actually meant all of the things he said to me. Though I also believe that after some time he thought we’d be far more intimate than I was willing to go without a ring on my finger.
Dating me, means being in it for the long run. Conversation takes center stage and kissing is as intimate as I’m willing to get. I know I’m not the only girl who wants to live this way, and we shouldn’t be put in a place where we must pick between our values and a boy we care about.
I’ve learned a lot from this mostly negative experience, but I have not been dissuaded from dating. I just have to be pickier and exceptionally clear about where I stand on sex.
I know that the right guy for me will be willing to wait. He’ll know that I’m worth it and that he won’t just have me for a night, but for a lifetime.