I Don’t Know What I’m Doing and That’s the Truth

Recently, I’ve been going through a lot of semi-big changes in my life. Just to give you a tiny run down of what I’m dealing with:

I broke it off with a long term boyfriend, whom I am still in love with, for no viable reason. I moved out of my old house, where I had roommate troubles, and in with my parents’ before I move into a new house this weekend.  I had a brief fling but broke that off because of no good reason. I’m driving across town every other day in a car that is on the verge of falling apart to keep up with work and friends, and all of it boils down to the unignorable fact that I’m basically making enormous life decisions based on gut instincts as opposed to rational thinking and logic.

I’m afraid of letting my parents down, disappointing my boss and coaches, gaining weight, and losing friends. I’m afraid of breaking the hearts of people I love, but I’m also afraid of breaking my own heart, as well.  I care too much about what other people think, but I don’t want to do something my raw feelings lead me not to.

And I know it could all be much much worse. I deal with some cushy problems. I live a great life and I know that.  Sometimes I just look at what a mess I’ve made and think to myself that everyone is entitled to feel just a little sorry for themselves every once in awhile. *Pity party for 1, please!*

I know everyone says your 20s are where you make your most mistakes, but the problem is that I really hate making mistakes.  The truth of the matter is that I have no idea if I’m making the worst mistakes of my life or if it’s all part of a bigger plan.  Running around like a chicken with it’s head cut off has kind of become my thing. I want to be okay with it but I’m just not.  I really can’t tell if all the decisions I am making inspired by gut feelings are the right ones. 

Blindly following my instincts has caused a lot of confusing feelings for me and the people close to me, but I’ve come to the conclusion that all I can really do is embrace the decisions I make and how I make them, and hope I don’t mess something up too badly.  What drives me is the fact that I don’t want to regret anything when I grow old and that’s what stresses me out the most.  For now, until that moment when I can look back on the whole thing and see how all the decisions I am making right now pan out, I will just have to hope and pray that I’m chugging along in the right direction. Good luck, me!


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