As a college student, moving to a new school and even a new city opens up a whole window of opportunities. New classes, new clubs, and even new friends are all part of starting your collegiate journey. With all the change, it can be difficult to accept that your old friends, and even some of the new ones you come across, can change too.
Friends who choose to attend different schools will also make new friends, and with the distance, it’s hard to accept the idea of growing apart from your friends. Seeing a friend create new memories and experience new opportunities without you can feel frustrating, and even lead you to a place of jealousy and resentment. What does jealousy in a friendship entail, and how do you combat those feelings? It’s easy to feel reluctant to express your emotions, especially to someone you’re close with and don’t want to upset. But by noticing signs of jealousy and working through them, you can continue to maintain healthy friendships.Â
There’s a difference between jealousy and envy. According to the Oxford English Dictionary, envy is a feeling of discontent or resentful longing aroused by someone else’s possessions, qualities, or luck. To be jealous, on the other hand, is to be upset and angry because someone that you love seems interested in another person. Usually involving at least three people, friendship jealousy occurs when you resent another person because they take away your friend’s love or attention, according to Mad Midori in Medium.Â
The hardship of friendship jealousy primarily comes from the multitude of emotions surrounding the topic. You can feel immature for being jealous in the first place. You can feel angry that your friend doesn’t seem to value you as much as you value them. You can become hyperaware of your friend’s other friends to see what makes them more important in your friend’s life. When it seems that your bond with someone you hold dearly is being threatened, your reaction isn’t always one that comes from a steady head.Â
Major indicators of friendship jealousy include insecurity, a fear of being replaced, or comparison. If you feel insecure about the closeness of a relationship, you could easily develop jealousy towards those who may be closer to that person. Even by seeing close friends in public, you can wish for that same connection. A fear of being replaced can also lead to jealousy, especially when someone thinks they might lose a friend due to the addition of another friend. Jealousy can also stem from comparison, whether it be you comparing yourself to the success of your friends or comparing yourself to others whom your friends like.Â
If you start to feel consistent jealousy when you’re around a particular friend of yours, start looking out for signs. If you feel as if your friend spends too much time with other people, or if you find yourself upset when your friend shares their successes, it might be time to consider that you’re dealing with jealousy.Â
One of the best ways to overcome jealousy is by talking it out with your friend. Most of the time, your friend might not even know that they’re hurting you. If you’re upset about how often your friend hangs out with others and doesn’t make time for you, express your feelings to them. If your friend doesn’t know they’re hurting you, then they can’t try to help you not feel as upset. Setting up one day that you’re both free so that the two of you can spend time together can help offset those feelings of jealousy.Â
Sometimes, though, friendships go from being super close to a more casual connection. According to a study by Gerald Mollenhorst, the average friendship lasts seven years. Within seven years is approximately the amount of time when people experience big changes in their lives, such as a new job, moving to a new city, or even getting married. When people’s lives change on such a large scale, priorities begin to shift and personalities begin to change. That doesn’t mean that your friend will suddenly begin to hate you; it just means that people can simply grow apart.Â
The unknown can be frightening, and the loss of something so familiar can leave you with a friend-shaped hole in your heart. While most friendship difficulties can be solved by having a conversation and talking out your feelings, some friends can just grow apart, and that’s okay. I’ve had friendships that have ended, not because of any big argument or falling out, but simply because we grew apart as people. It hurts at the start, but as you continue meeting new people and experiencing new things, the pain will lessen.Â
Being open and honest is one of the most important qualities in a friendship (or, better yet, in any relationship). Expressing your feelings rather than bottling them up lessens the chances of misinterpretation and unnecessary resentment. If you’re ever feeling discomfort or jealousy with a friend, take the initiative and start a conversation. In the long run, you’ll feel a lot better knowing the truth than assuming how your friend feels.