After a seemingly endless campaign season that grew exponentially more unbearable as it dragged on, families across America strive for a peaceful holiday season devoid of political angst. We want an opinion-free, completely sterilized family meal where the most heated discussion is about Aunt Louise’s new poodle (clearly a rebound poodle after Mr. Barkley passed away) and who claims the best sofa as their post-meal recovery spot.
Here are five potential scenarios that could arise on Thanksgiving day, ranging from least to most unbearable. Let this serve as your guide, so you’re prepared to react appropriately and calmly steer the conversation in a different direction.
Scenario 1: After the Macy’s Day Parade ends, someone casually switches to Fox News as the family starts on Thanksgiving meal preparations.
This seems innocent enough, but even having political coverage playing as background noise makes people start thinking about the O-word (“opinions”), which soon enough, they will start shouting about. You must obtain control of the remote and stage a media takeover.
You: “Hey guys! What if instead of wallowing in our already formed opinions, we try to expand our horizons and remind ourselves that we are only one small piece of a majestic universe!” Switch to Neil Degrasse Tyson’s series Cosmos, conveniently available on Netflix. Be awed. A little existential crisis now and then is productive.
Or, I suppose Thanksgiving Day football is also a possibility.
Scenario 2: You’re in the kitchen cooking with your aunt, who subscribes to emails from Moms Against GMOs, and she insists on explaining how the impending government deregulations will make alien cows the new hamburger source of America.
Sweet potato casserole will save the day.
Maintain eye contact. Turn on the food processor any time she opens her mouth, then turn off when she stops talking. Repeat as necessary. Some may call this passive aggressive, but I truly think that sweet potato casserole will taste even better knowing it helped to cleanse Thanksgiving of unnecessary political strife.
Scenario 3: Someone mentions moving to Canada.
“Before we start making plans, let’s go around in a circle and see how many hockey teams we can name! I’ll start.” Insist everyone participates, and humiliate people about their lack of hockey knowledge no matter how many teams they name. Maybe move into a lively discussion about maple syrup. Hopefully, the group that naively thought political discussion would be tolerated will quickly disperse and stop spewing regurgitated Facebook statuses at each other.
Scenario 4: A small group has detached itself from the crowd, and seems to be participating in angsty muttering about the president-elect’s new Cabinet appointments. Unacceptable.
Walk by the relentless soap-boxers and casually mention that Grandma has decided her pumpkin pie is subpar and unacceptable for the official Thanksgiving meal, so naturally she’s looking for volunteers to help finish it off now. Move aside to avoid the stampede, as your relatives are once more united in common cause.
Scenario 5: The meal has been served. As you go around the table and state what everyone is thankful for this year, someone does the unthinkable and states, “I’m thankful that Donald Trump is our president!”
There is no saving this situation. Politics has permanently poisoned this year’s Thanksgiving, but why go down without a fight? Grab the turkey, stuff it over the offending relative’s head and shout some George Washington quotes about the danger of political parties, then insist everyone joins hands to sing Kumbaya. If executed correctly, then perhaps Thanksgiving can saved.
This Thanksgiving season won’t be easy. The country has been drowning in nasty election coverage for the last 18 months, and – though it seems cliché – sometimes we need a reminder to focus on everything else that we’re thankful for.
During this holiday season, ask your cousin how her volleyball season finished up – not if she thinks Hillary should go to prison. Ask your nephew what he learned from his first semester at college – not if he thought third-party supporters wasted their vote. And finally, even if you already know the answer to those questions because your relative is an endless eruption of political Facebook statuses, put any differences aside and truly enjoy the precious time you get to spend together.
Photo Credit: Thumbnail, Photo 1, Photo 2, Photo 3
SaveSave