There is an undeniable power in forgiveness: the kind that reconciles relationships, ends wars, and, in more recent events, led a grieving widow to forgive her husband’s killer. It is a concept we learn about in childhood, yet when truly applied, it can move mountains. This type of mercy is often unfathomable, leaving us wondering where the forgiveness came from and whether it is genuinely obtainable.
The temptation is to believe these stories show different levels of grace; that some human beings possess moral strength that the rest of us lack. The core question, however, isn’t whether we all have varying capacities of forgiveness, but instead if we have distinct definitions of what that very term means. As a society, we have been raised with the same word from childhood, but have grown seemingly divided over whether emotion is a prerequisite for the act. Understanding these diverse outlooks can be an unexpected path to unity.
To forgive is defined as “to cease to feel resentment against (an offender).” If one takes this meaning exactly at its surface value, then forgiveness innately requires emotion. Applying that type of terminology allows individuals to wait until their heart has truly healed from a behavior before making amends and moving on. Neither party is left wondering if an action was excused out of obligation or if the behavior will still be held against them.
On the other hand, waiting for forgiveness to wash over you often means it won’t happen. The revelation that someone’s actions no longer affect you does not come knocking on the door frequently. Feelings cannot be taken away easily after they have been experienced. It is for this very reason that many individuals seek out forgiveness before truly resonating with it emotionally.
Granting forgiveness without feelings is a double-edged sword. In one regard, choosing to forgive can initiate intrapsychic work in your mind, leading to the release of genuine anger. Mayo Clinic even discusses how letting go of such a grudge can lead to health benefits, both physically and mentally, particularly in terms of anxiety, blood pressure, and heart health. This decision can help prevent long-term bitterness and even allow for reconciliation between the offender and the offended. This begs the question of what happens when forgiveness is given but cannot be felt?
Pseudo-forgiveness is the term applied when an individual expresses forgiveness without ever experiencing an emotional resolution to the conflict. This is an unfortunate consequence that commonly rips apart relationships. When disgruntlement and avoidance team up in the aftermath of a dispute, even the words “I forgive you” can’t fix all that has been unsaid. Consequently, acting on forgiveness as a precursor to emotion also involves the difficult task of intending to set your own mind straight afterward.
Ultimately, it is entirely your prerogative whether the feeling or the act of forgiveness comes first. There is no single correct approach to granting grace. No amount of research can tell you how to respond when you have been hurt beyond belief. We cannot demand forgiveness from others after causing them pain. However, there is a profound beauty in the fact that everyone possesses a unique outlook on forgiveness.Â
In a world where many aspects of our lives are predetermined, we retain the freedom to express forgiveness in the way we deem suitable, while still understanding and empathizing with those who view it contrastingly. The next time you find yourself wrestling with the concept — whether as the giver or the recipient — ask yourself: “Isn’t it possible that this person operates from a different definition of forgiveness than I do?” In that simple shift of thought, we can finally unite our diverse perspectives without absorbing another’s refusal as a personal judgment.