In all honesty, before now, it was quite difficult for me to imagine a point in my life where I enjoyed my alone time. I think an admirable piece of human nature is the urge to be alone at times, whether it is to reflect, relax or simply detach. However, the state of the world has now made that urge more of a duty for the greater good. I feel as if it could have been so easy for me to allow the tone over why I had so much alone time cloud the positivity that could come from it. Luckily, over the last several months, my perspective on my solitude has positively changed.
Deep down, I think a part of me always valued and craved personal space. Unfortunately, I spent so much of my youth convinced that being by myself painted this image of some anti-social loner that didn’t have a friend in the world. Every time I was by myself there was this overwhelming fear I had — that if my peers or even random people found out I was by myself, that was all I would be known as. I think that after so many Friday nights, skipping through Snapchat stories of people in large groups and enjoying a night out, I was conditioning myself. I was conditioning myself to believe that’s what it means to be happy, that’s what it means to have a good time, and that’s what it means to be fulfilled. So, I made that my priority.
Prior to the COVID-19 pandemic, I was constantly on the go and always making plans. With that, I never gave myself a moment to stop and process the things that went on in my life. My emotions were such a fleeting thing, and my body was so restless that no matter how much sleep I tried to catch up on, it was never enough. My perception of what “alone” was had haunted me for so long that when I had so much time to be just that, it was scary. At such a fast pace, I was learning all these new things about myself: the things I hated, the things I loved, the things I wanted to change and the things I wanted to let grow and flourish. I began to enjoy my own company. I made myself laugh so many moments in a row that at times it felt like I was in a crowded room of my closest friends. So, that’s when I realized — there’s never going to be a moment that I have where I’m not with myself. I take my mind, my soul and my heart with me everywhere I go, 24/7. That’s the only kind of company any of us are ever guaranteed. It would be the biggest disservice to not get to know the person I spend every waking moment with. I’ve become my own best friend. Just seven months ago, I couldn’t say the same thing — that is a gift my alone time gave me. So, when it comes to being alright with being alone, I’m way more than alright with it.
