Scenario: Picture this, your new boy toy, Adam, picks you up for a much needed romantic date. He pulls up to your house looking absolutely fabulous with those radiating blue eyes and that sexy new cologne you can smell from a mile away. As he meets you at the passenger side door, you can’t help but imagine how delicious his lips look. But before you could go in for the kill he blurts out…
“Aww doesn’t my widdle baby look bootiful!”
Excuse me? You stop dead in your tracks.
“Uh, thank you…? So do you, I think.”
After contemplating turning around and heading straight back to the Ben and Jerry’s waiting for you in the freezer, you decide to give him another chance. He probably just thought you were the kind of the girl that’s into that kinky stuff, so you shove that comment to the back of your thoughts.
The date was going absolutely wonderful; he seemed to fit every “must have” characteristic on your checklist. About thirty minutes into dinner, you realize how badly you want to take him home. You start shoving the food into your mouth, praying the waitress comes by with your check.
“Would you guys care for any coffee or des–”
“No!”
Adam looks at you with puzzled eyes.
You try to quickly steal a recovery.
“I mean no thank you, I think I forgot to feed my cat.” Phew, nice save.
On the drive home you apologize for being so abrupt earlier during dinner and decide to tell him the truth. Hey, sorry for being so weird during dinner, but I was really fighting the urge to jump your bones…my bad. Well, something to that extent.
Fast forward, your leftovers are in the fridge and your bra is dangling off the staircase next to his undershirt. You can feel him pushing into your thigh, and he reaches over and rips open a condom. This is the moment you’ve been pining for all night! He starts kissing your neck, inching up to your ear lobe, and starts to whisper,
“I fink my widdle buddy down there weally likes you.”
Your body shoots straight up out of bed.
“What did you just say?”
Adam scrambles around looking for something to hide behind, “What? Did I say something wrong?”
“What you just said…who are you?”
He proceeds to tell you that he was under the impression that most girls swoon after the baby voice.
You pull the blanket up over your chest to try and hide the evidence of what could have happened.
So, I’m sure you can guess what happened here. He went home to an empty house without getting any action. Earth to guys out there: THE BABY VOICE IS NOT OKAY…IT WILL NEVER BE OKAY. Honestly, show me one female who is independent and intelligent and enjoys being spoken to that way during sex. Oh, and hearing-impaired women do not count.
Now I’m not saying that words like, “cuddly” and “sweetpie” aren’t ever okay. However, during sex, it is an absolute “no-no,” and a complete turn-off. You’re right, some girls like to be in control when they fool around, talking to them like they are five years old though, is not the way to go about it.
In the words of the famous C. Bradshaw, “Baby talk is the worst. It’s like putting ketchup on prime rib. Stop it, you’re ruining it!” And I couldn’t have said it better myself. There are so many ways to win your lady-friend over; this is, I can assure you, not one of them.
Now, I know some of you guys reading this are probably thinking that I have no idea what in the world I’m talking about. So, go ahead! Give it a shot, try it on your girlfriend, and let’s see if you’re still together in about an hour.
But hey, when you’re stomping off to your car after she tells you to get the hell out, just remember that experience so you don’t have to go through the pain of “widdle” blue balls again.