When I was in preschool, I remember our whole class being really excited about this craft we were making. We all got paper cutouts of people, and we were supposed to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up, then put them on a big poster board where everyone could see them. Kids in the classroom grabbed for the crayons and markers and excitedly began to doodle in their future selves as firemen, astronauts, and veterinarians.
I was just as excited myself! I couldn’t wait to start drawing my astronaut — or no, my actress… No, change my mind, a baker! But the astronaut idea sounded pretty good… I settled for something eventually (I drew myself as a mother—a noble goal that also left the possibilities open-ended), but that indecisiveness has followed me for the rest of my life.
While it’s normal for kids to change their minds about their future profession, it seems to be less so encouraged for young adults. There seems to be a lot of pressure on having your life lined up right through and after college. Having to declare a major at the age of eighteen is pretty indicative of this, and even though you can change later in your college career, the thought of “falling behind” in such a competitive environment can be terrifying. A lot of people ask me what I want to do with my degree after I graduate, and while I have some ideas, I wish I was more comfortable telling them that I’m not really sure yet. I want to allow myself some room for the possibility that my ideal job right now is not my ideal job in two years, for whatever reason that may be. One of my favorite things about college is the amount of experience you can get in other fields you wouldn’t normally be in. You might discover something new you love along your journey, and I think there should always be room and encouragement for people to do so.
Another major contributing factor to this pressure is the eternal war between “Jobs that you love” and “Jobs that will pay”. Many people can relate to the heartbreaking experience of having to give up pursuing the arts to pursue a degree that is considered more useful. I still haven’t adjusted to this switch — I catch myself daydreaming about becoming an author or an actress while I’m pursuing a degree in the hard sciences. That dream can feel impossible and out of reach when you’re coming from a background without a financial safety net. I think a lot of people do have that secret passion of theirs locked away, and heartbreaking to think about.
So, what do I do? I don’t know. I don’t know what life after college looks like yet. But as much as our society pressures us to be as successful as possible as young as we can be, I try not to let any of that get to me and take it easy. It’s not always so simple to do so — being able to financially support myself and my family is a necessity. I would love to end this article by announcing that I’m pursuing my dreams and not caring what anybody thinks, but it’s more complicated than that. Modern American society values productivity above pretty much all else, no matter how much we wish things were different. So, I’m going to try and keep the balance best I can for now. I almost feel like I’m still back at my preschool desk, still making my paper doll—choosing crayons tentatively as my classmates run around beside me, cheering in excitement for their dreams and ambitions. Whatever I choose to make of myself, however, my future unfolds, one thing is indisputable — it is in my hands.