Looking back at my childhood, I always felt incredibly grateful to have grown up around such a diverse group of friends and peers. As a half-Chinese and half-white girl, I had never felt close to any of my identities simply due to the confusion of being mixed race. So, I was always excited to be introduced to other cultures through lieu of my friends, yet simultaneously negating my own since I never felt like I belonged.
Up until recently, I had truly never realized the problem with the way I detached myself from Chinese culture. I had grown up with the culture prevalent in my life through the observance and celebration of Chinese holidays, but specific customs and traditions were not an ingrained part of my day-to-day upbringing. Due to this, I had never considered myself Chinese. I never felt valid enough to call myself Chinese, despite the fact that it was a part of me.
I could never pinpoint what these confusing feelings meant to me until I had become close friends with another half Asian and half white girl. My amazingly, badass Filipina roommate, Julie, taught me that there is no one way to be an ethnicity. It was one long late-night conversation with her, yet it meant everything to me. As Julie and I were alone in the apartment making dinner together one night, we began randomly sharing childhood experiences back and forth. Although it initially started as us sharing funny stories with each other, it eventually led to us both opening up about our shared feelings of confusion pertaining to our identities growing up. The more I listened to her talk about her experiences, the more a pit grew in my stomach. Despite the differences in our upbringings and situations, I could apply a lot of what she was saying to my own life in my own ways. It was almost like the key that had unlocked a door I had basically padlocked my entire life. I struggled to articulate these new revelations to Julie and access memories that I hadn’t been paying close enough attention to before. Yet through all my stuttering and gibberish sentences, Julie was there for me the whole time, helping me learn from my own experiences.
Through this all, Julie truly taught me that you are not any less of an ethnicity because you don’t fit the rigid stereotypes set forth by others. We all grow up shaped by different influences and within different environments, and everyone deserves the liberty to express their cultures however they see fit. If your parents grew up in their country of origin or if they grew up in the U.S., it doesn’t make you any less of an ethnicity. You do not owe it to anybody to fit their version of what they think you should be. At the end of the day, the only thing that matters is that you know who you are, and to be proud of that.
These words feel so simple, yet talking to someone who related to my experiences was extremely eye-opening, and affirming. It was almost something I had unconsciously been searching for throughout my life. Julie empowered me in a way I never felt comfortable with before, and was one of the first people to make me feel secure in my identity. I felt encouraged enough to talk about this topic with my family and friends and was inspired to seek out more information about my culture.
Writing this has been a long-winded way for me to finally find my voice and to thank Julie for helping me get there. I am so incredibly lucky to have her influence in my life, and I can’t wait to continue to learn from and grow with her. Role models come in many different forms, and it is safe to say that Julianne Mackey has become one of mine.