Her head was throbbing, dripping beads of sweat, and her mouth was desert dry; she attempted to open her eyes as last night’s mascara was still crusted on her eyelids. She needed water to extinguish the burning remnants of vodka, the sticky sweetness of Red Bull, and the stale taste of morning breath that lingered in her mouth. The last thing she wanted to do was rise from the warmth of her bed to face the day.
She groggily opened her eyes. Inches from her face, there was a navy blue wall; hers was white. Still hazy, she realized she was naked, solely wrapped in a burgundy cotton sheet without any idea of where she was, deciding whether or not she wanted to roll over to see just whom exactly she slept with last night. She vaguely recollected dancing with friends at local bar Ket Mo Ree, celebrating the fact that winter quarter had finally come to an end after a grueling finals week. She slowly and quietly turned her neck, trying not to move any other part of her body in fear that she would wake whoever was softly snoring next to her. Suddenly, a huge arm plopped on top off her. She was spooning this mystery man, still completely unaware of whom it could be, when she recognized a tattoo of an infinity sign on his muscular left forearm. It was Jack*, her best friend since freshmen year that she always gave relationship advice to, drove to and from home with during breaks, and lived next door to for the last two years. She couldn’t decide whether she should be happy or worried that she slept with her best friend.
“I woke up, realized it was him, and was like, ‘shit, so what do I do now without making this awkward? Do we kiss or do I act like nothing happened and leave?’” wondered UC Davis 4th year Chrissie*, 22. She decided to leave, but this wouldn’t be the last time she would find herself in this situation with Jack 21, a UC Davis 4th year. This was the first instance of many that ultimately turned their relationship from just friends to “friends with benefits”.
A “friends with benefits” (FWB) engagement seemingly offers a way to gratify one’s carnal desires without the emotional commitment involved in a romantic relationship.
The implications of FWB appear simple enough: find a friend, agree to fulfill one another’s sexual needs, and remain completely platonic outside of the bedroom. However, as individuals begin to actively partake in this type of relationship, unexpected developments often tend to evolve as the actual ambiguity of this presumably self-explanatory term emerges, leading to misinterpretations and unclear boundaries, like in the case of Chrissie and Jack.
First and foremost, how is this term defined? Kasey*, 21, a 3rd year UC Davis transfer student, contemplates the idea while sipping her margarita at Davis’ Tres Hermanas bar. “‘Friends with benefits’ consists of a sexual relationship between two people, that has occurred more than once, and requires no commitment from either party,” she says. “This can include anything from kissing to sex.” This definition tends to be the general consensus among college students alike.
“It means to hook up with someone without any expectations and to not get attached emotionally,” says Norah*, 21, a 4th year UC San Diego student visiting Kasey, chiming into the conversation.
“Ya, basically, it is a no-strings-attached sexual relationship between friends,” agrees Cecil* 21, a UC Davis graduate.
Although the term seems self-explanatory, underlying elements are often overlooked when this type of casual sexual relationship initially develops. Supposedly, a “FWB” engagement entails sexual encounters that occur periodically. Yet, how do individuals establish that they are in this type of sex with “no-strings-attached” friendship? Are there guidelines? If so, how are they established? And are these guidelines vocalized up front?
When asked about these guidelines Cecil says, “‘friends with benefits’ usually occurs spontaneously so I find that making sure I am honest from the get go about dislikes and letting things occur naturally is the best way of taking advantage of the good and handling something that is not under your control on the other end.”
Typically, the relationship evolves organically, and “usually, one person eventually discusses how far they want the sexual relationship to go and the other either agrees to the terms or bails. It’s all in good fun, until actual feelings emerge,” says Kasey.
Establishing guidelines in the beginning stages of this strictly casual, sexual relationship tends to be the most successful preventative measure to avoid potentially hurting either partner emotionally. As long as the two parties are clear concerning their intentions, and maintain that the relationship is strictly friendly outside of the bedroom, allegedly, neither participant will risk emotional involvement or heartbreak. “Play it by ear. It is best to set up rules before you get too deep into it and the boundaries get blurry. Let your friend know in the beginning, but just say something along the lines of ‘I’m not looking for anything serious’ or ‘I just got out of a long-term relationship and I am just looking to have some fun’,” advises Norah.
In the case of Jack and Chrissie, they chose to avoid discussing guidelines and just let things happen. Unfortunately, this left room for misconceptions between the two neighbors, who shared mutual friends, and at times, the lack of communication led to awkward tension between the two.
Determining how to act towards one another can be unclear, especially after the first sexual encounter, but each relationship is completely idiosyncratic when determining post-coitus behavior. “It depends on how it works for each person. Personally, I initially went with nonchalant because I figured leaving judgments and conclusions as elusive as possible eliminates the possibility of having any hassles linked with possible misinterpretations,” says Chrissie after her first few encounters with Jack.
Jack’s take was a little different and further highlights the importance of open communication. “I was confused on how to act towards her because I would be cuddling and hooking up with her in my bed earlier in the day, then when everyone was pre-gaming to go out that night, she would act as if nothing had happened, flirting with other guys,” says Jack, “I was just really confused and sometimes it would get annoying.” Jack’s interpretation versus Chrissie’s demonstrates the lack of clarity in a casual sex relationship.
Stay tuned for “Seamless Sex Part II” coming to Hercampus.com/ucdavis soon!