People always say that high school is one of the best experiences of their life; you can enjoy yourself by going to parties and whatever you want to. Well, not for me. In retrospect, I hated high school with a burning passion. The only remaining memories I have of high school are ones I wish I could erase. In all honesty, it was an unpleasant journey that still furthered personal growth and allowed me to realize my own passions.
Sure, high school was where I could make friends and learn about real-world problems and (supposedly) apply it to my life, but most of the time, it was a waste of time and energy as I spent almost the entirety of high school trying to be perceived as an academically intelligent individual. I tried so hard to please my classmates and study diligently so they wouldn’t perceive me as anything but studious and smart. But of course, I couldn’t. I could never be that golden book-smart girl because it is simply not who I am. I would much rather bury my face in a romance novel than listen attentively to the teacher lecturing about something I can’t apply into the real world. I would rather focus on my passions of creating art, reading, or writing. I had a heart for creativity and writing; I would be thrilled to share my ideas on papers and write my thoughts through poetry. The only two classes that allowed me to tap into that part of my creative brain were my Creative Writing and AP Language and Composition classes.
There were so many nights where I felt stressed, and overwhelmed that I wasn’t going to make it into a college I wanted. I was burnt out and frustrated that there was so much pressure put on a fifteen-year-old to succeed in order to make it to the next “big thing” in life. In a competitive environment like my high school, it was natural to compare myself to my classmates, especially the valedictorians and overachievers. I thought I had to be smart or ambitious enough to be considered academically smart; it no longer mattered that I had hobbies or creative interests because how will those trivial things help me succeed in college? It didn’t.
At school, I was made fun of for not being academically adequate in math — always asking questions and feeling confused the majority of the class time equated to shame for not immediately understanding a mathematical concept. There was a time when I was struggling with solving a problem and even my teacher was so frustrated that he yelled at me, leaving me to cry alone in the girl’s bathroom stall. Yet, if I faltered in any way at the one subject people expected me to do well in, English, then they would show instant disappointment and make me feel guilty. The only reason they expected me to always perform well in English was because I was constantly reading books for personal enjoyment. Though it was true that English was my best subject, the assumptions and expectations they had burdened me with was enough to make me crumble.
Now, I can confidently say that people pleasing and the desire to be academically intelligent doesn’t matter. As I come to understand the world a little more each day, I realize that no one cares for that. All people care about is knowing your character and how you will impact whichever company or community you are at. At the end of the day, your individuality and character is what distinguishes you from the 7.9 billion people in the world. So, if I could say one thing to my sixteen-year-old self, I would encourage younger me to pursue those creative interests and ambitions as soon as I could and chase after what I really wanted to do, not what other people wanted me to be. I wish it didn’t take me five years to realize how much of a scam high school was and that it hindered me from growing my passions earlier on. But at least I still had this epiphany and acted upon my ambitions rather than sitting idly by and allowing an institution to take control of my life.
Leaving high school and the past version of myself is probably one of the most liberating moments I have experienced.