Ladies, we not only live in a society that regards the female orgasm as a myth, but also one that denies and chooses to ignore our basic bodily functions.
Whipping out a #2 on campus is nothing short of an artform (more like a shartform, am I right?). I don’t want to scare you, but to take a sh#t on campus, you have to strategize. First thing’s first: know your body’s schedule. Are you more partial to the after breakfast dump, or the lunchtime log? Maybe it’s unpredictable, and maybe everyday you live in fear of The Urge. Regardless, your tactics are the same.
Be familiar with the bathrooms in your proximity. Take a nonchalant, unsuspecting walk around the buildings you spend the most time in. Mentally note the closest restrooms, and if you want to be especially thorough, take a peek inside. Do a stall count. Do your best to determine when it will be least crowded. Then start your planning.
Timing is everything. Don’t stall. If there’s a lull in lecture, take advantage. If being in class is crucial, book it to the bathrooms the minute you’re dismissed. If you’re in there alone? Gold mine. Jackpot. Go ham. The world is your toilet. If there are other people in there with you, all is not lost. I’ll walk you through it:
Noise is your best friend. Embrace other peoples’ flushes, their hand washes, and their hand drying. If that doesn’t do it for you, make your own homemade noises—a symphony of rustling things unnecessarily. Roll the toilet paper for no reason, unzip and zip your backpack, play Neko Atsume on loud, whatever it takes.
If all else fails, you can play the waiting game and stake-out in your stall until everyone slowly filters out. All in all, it ends with you flushing your worries down the drain. You’ll feel lighter, and the world will seem like a much better place. Do not choose education over defecation. When duty calls, you must answer.
At the end of the day, just be proud. Be proud, and eat a healthy amount of fiber.
Godspeed.