As I drove back to Davis on January 6th after my three-week hiatus from school, I was determined to make 2019 a year of contentment and improvement. Looking back in retrospect over the course of my 2018, I found that I was able to grow in ways that four years ago I did not think I could. I worked tirelessly to no longer let anxiety or nervousness about situations dissuade me from working towards meeting my goals and stepping out of my comfort zone.
I decided to peruse the journal I began when I started last year. With every entry I read, I was reliving some of the best (and worst) experiences of the year; however, as I flipped through the pages, reading my sometimes joyful and sometimes frantic entries, what I focused on the most was the line of growth that was visible through my words. I deduced that I really did achieve my 2018 goal of growth, and that was the pleasant surprise I was encouraged by as the continuation of my journal transitioned from 2018 to 2019.
I would say that this helped me to decide what the perfect New Year’s Resolution would be. I started first by eliminating the expectations that come with the label for “resolution”, and I simply wrote a list of potential areas of more growth! Initially, for me, the elimination of the concept of doing something for the “new year”, or exclusively because it is a new year, was a sharp juxtaposition to my reconstruction of merely attempting to grow and improve for myself.
As I sat in my bed, a fresh page in front of me, my favorite pen in hand and with a hot cup of tea or coffee beside me (and can’t forget good lighting along with a couple other stereotypical, aesthetically pleasing objects), I was able to transcribe my thoughts into a list of self care, growth, and love. I began my list with broad ideas and concepts so that even my goals can evolve with me as needed throughout the year. I also did this because I did not only want to focus on one tangible achievement when I have the possibility to perfect myself as a person, including my habits and mentality. I decided that I want to be panurgic and strong, but also content with where I am so I made that the theme of growth for my year. I have been told I am a “mental” perfectionist, and sometimes that attribute forces me to never accept the moves I have made and the works I have done as successful, which is why I plan to take this year to overcome this idea of never having achieved enough, and I want to learn to accept that if I am dedicated and working on hard on something that I am trying to achieve, then I need to be content and proud of the work I have done even if I am beginning to feel like it wasn’t as much as I anticipated previously.