Marriage was created to bring order among bloodlines and societies: to figure out who belongs to who, which property will be passed on to which person, and in many cases, for financial security. Love never factored into the picture until the 12th century, and even then, the number of marriages formed for political/economic purposes remained quite high. To this day, there are many cultures where arranged marriages are the default, but the way in which they are performed has drastically shifted. As a person who comes from multi-generations of arranged marriages, here are my thoughts.
1. What is an arranged marriage?
A marriage is arranged when the families of the (potential) bride and groom collaborate to wed the two persons. Historically, the bride and groom had a minimal say in choosing each other, as the priority of marriage focused on strengthening assets between the two families. We see this form of marriage very often between royalty, and present-day it is most prevalent in India, the Middle East, Japan, and China.
2. Arranged Marriages are NOT forced marriages
It is easy to mistake one for the other, but consent is crucial in differentiating between an arranged and forced marriage. Did both the bride and groom agree to an arranged marriage in the first place? Did they agree to marry each other specifically? Are they free to break the engagement at any time? Family pressure can have a huge influence on a person’s choice to marry, but it is not considered forced unless one is manipulated, threatened, or lacks the ability to consent to the marriage.
3. how are healthy arranged marriages formed today?
There are a variety of customs in which each family proceeds with an arranged marriage, but in general, a person’s age, profession, education, social status, race, religion, and even astrological compatibility are heavily considered when deciding a potential marital partner. Each partner is given a “biodata” of the potential suitor, where all this information is listed, and from there the families will decide whether the woman and man are to meet. In some cultures, such as in India, it is customary for the man’s family to visit the woman’s home.
At the visiting stage, the two partners meet, get to know each other on a deeper level, and then decide whether the relationship is worth pursuing. It used to be that from the moment of meeting, the man and woman would confirm whether they will marry or not, but now it is more acceptable to “date” for a while before agreeing on marriage. Additionally, parental approval used to be a make-it-or-break-it component to whether the marriage would proceed, but nowadays the bride and groom’s opinions are heavily weighted. No marriage will proceed until both partners agree to wed each other.
4. What’s my verdict?
I truly feel that arranged marriage can be the right avenue for the right people. If one is confident in their expectations of a marital partner and desires their parents’ involvement in the process, arranged marriage cuts straight to the nitty-gritty details. No need to date around, try to build attraction, and prolong important conversations about future plans. Arranged marriages make it easier to meet people who fit your criteria and want the same things in life as you. Having parents traverse your journey from the get-go also ensures a high chance of familial support if a marriage comes to fruition (considering that in cultures that practice arranged marriage, parental approval is given great respect).
However, I also believe arranged marriages are more adept for people who prioritize the practicalities of marriage: financial compatibility, shared life goals, etc. It’s not that love is compromised in an arranged marriage, but arranged marriages follow the principle of “get married first, then (try to) fall in love later.” There is no guarantee of romantic or emotional chemistry unless the partners go through a period of dating. If you prioritize love, trust your own instincts in what you need in a partner, and admire the beginning stages of falling in love, then opting for the standard “love” marriage may be the best choice.