As I go through life as a child of immigrant parents, everyone once in a while — more often than not — I am overcome by an immense feeling of guilt. The origins of this all-consuming guilt are complicated. The feeling stems from a place of immense love, incompetency, loyalty, and sadness. I have come to call this mind-numbing guilt “immigrant child guilt”.
I embody immigrant child guilt. It is always with me. It is dormant in the back of my subconscious most of the time. Other times the feeling will take over my mind for five minutes, an hour, a day, or a whole week. It feels as if a small mischievous child is playing with a guilt switch inside my head, off and on and off and on.
Immigrant child guilt manifests in my mind whenever I think of my parents’ lives and the sacrifices they have made to ensure their well-being while prioritizing the well-being of my sister and me. My family and I moved to the United States when I was nine years old. We left our home country, our whole family, language, and culture in search of a better life. We go back and visit our family in Mexico and keep in contact with family through phone calls and text messages. My parents have made new friendships and connections in the U.S. However, that does not erase the fact that they had to leave everything and everyone they had known in their life to restart all over again.
Restarting life for me was difficult, but not as difficult as it was for them. When we moved to the U.S., I was nine years old; my sister was only three. At times it feels like my sister and I are the only ones that benefit from my parents’ sacrifice.
I have the opportunity to go to college whereas my dad only finished the third grade and my mom, the ninth grade. I get to go about my everyday life without worrying if someone will understand or if I will understand them.I can not forget to mention the self-placed pressure to succeed in life to provide a better life for my parents to make all their sacrifices count.
It is as if I live life at the expense of my parents’ lives. Immigrant child guilt has become a constant in my life. However, I am taking steps to understand it to have it be a less recurring aspect of my life. I have found out that being open and vulnerable to my parents was the first step in curing my immigrant child’s guilt.
Through difficult conversations with my parents and teary eyes, the truth I learned is that my parents do everything out of love for my sister and me. They want the best for us — to live the best life we can for ourselves. But, while they want us to succeed and provide us with the means, they expect nothing in return. Their happiness stems from our happiness. My happiness stems from their happiness. I have to learn to be happy and live for myself to live for my parents and honor their lives.