Card No. 7. Cleanse. “Today I chose to cleanse my mind and spirit. I release negativity and embrace positivity. I cleanse my thoughts of self-limiting beliefs and nourish my mind with empowering ideas. I clear my spirit of any lingering negativity and invite in peace and serenity. I am on a journey of continuous cleansing and each day brings me closer to my best self”.
I’m sitting in the house I grew up in writing this article after my mom just read my dad, herself, and I, our daily affirmations at 10 p.m. My dad was told to be kind to his body (this makes me giggle), my mom was told to look for new beginnings, and myself to cleanse. As a college student home for winter break, the natural progression of my Tuesday night was to watch Bradley Cooper’s Maestro with my parents, but I left after fifteen minutes because it was a disgrace to his appearance (they had horrific prosthetics on him) and this idea of a cleanse started to pick my brain.
At UC Davis, our winter break is three weeks long, and halfway through week one I had my first mental breakdown (my roommate Connie calls it a “menty b”). I recently saw a TikTok describing the exact phenomenon I was experiencing of being in your hometown; feeling more anxious than ever, while also not feeling quite at home despite living the majority of your life there. This was the first of a few breakdowns I would proceed to have over the next two weeks where once it hit Wednesday, and the shimmer of the holiday festivities and my weekend plans wore off, I was ushered into a pit of anxiety.
So, I am sitting here fucking pissed off that I’m anxious for the hundredth time this break because: (A) I don’t know why— the biggest catalyst to my mental rumination, (B) this break is not relaxing or regenerating me for the winter quarter in the slightest, and (C) I’m exhausted from constantly having inner self-talk reminiscent of Instagram inspirational quotes. I just don’t feel like myself when I am in this anxious, non-rational state.
Point A is partly false because I do have about a hundred ideas about why I feel this way. All signs contributed to a perfect storm that caused my mental spiraling to be the worst it has been since I was eighteen. I’m hoping my first hypothesis will resonate with a lot of you and it’s that being in your hometown is hard. I revert back to the bitchy, grumpy, anxious self I was in highschool. I’m annoyed by my siblings, my friends are significantly different from my college ones, and I’m often reminded of how sad I was within the four walls of my room trying to navigate life as a sixteen year old.
This is normal. So many people feel the same weird way you do and oddly it’s four years after sprinting off to college that you realize it. It’s because home is not really home anymore. As a senior, I am four years removed and inching farther and farther away from the life I grew up in each day. This is not saying my home life is bad, it was rather great. But, life changes (for the better) when you leave and construct it by yourself from the ground-up, and not having it be composed of the seven people you’ve known since first grade. I am so grateful for the diamond in the rough that is UC Davis. The people, the place, the memories, that is my new home. I’ve surrounded myself with an armor of friends that have become like family.
Moreover, part of me thinks my recent spurt of anxiety is due to my past. My best friend from home gave me some advice after I confided in her that I unexpectedly started sobbing at my public, family, birthday dinner. Sometimes those floodgates open and there’s no stopping them. She said she thinks I “really struggle with my knee,” and I still do. For me, all my anxiety began when I was fifteen and tore my ACL. It was an identity crisis spurring from soccer being my everything, to being nothing, coupled with consequences of the mind-body connection where I was physically incapable for nine months. It’s the reason I went to therapy at eighteen, and the same reason I proudly went back at twenty-two after having a second surgery this past year.
So, here comes the positive part of this article; I am a Sagittaurus, so I am always optimistic. I decided my affirmation means that I’m cleansing myself from 2023. This time of year, especially between Christmas and New Years, is widely recognized for being a time of reflection, processing, and cleansing. Years come with many lows and all time highs, each taking time to process and feel.
Not only do I think cleansing means letting go and releasing 2023, but I also think it means changing. I believe life presents you the same lessons until you learn them, and then you grow. Kendall Jenner said it best in her New Year’s post: “So grateful for what has passed, so optimistic for what’s to come. Go love on the people you hold close to your heart, and don’t waste a second. 2024, shower me with love and laughter, gratitude and growth, patience and presence”. Cheesy but truthful. Here’s to 2024!