Last Wednesday, fans across the galaxy said, “May the 4th be with you.” This year’s Star Wars Day was especially exciting, coming right after Episode VII: The Force Awakens. Here’s what the newest generation of characters would be like if they were a little closer to home (i.e.: UC Davis) than a galaxy far, far away:
Rey
Has a 4.0, but was still undeclared towards the end of her second year and not involved in any extracurriculars (unless you include her job at the Bike Barn). Was getting tired of explaining that she just doesn’t know what she wants to do yet.
But after a fateful night at Root of Happiness, and several shots of kava, she realized her destiny: Physics Club. Now she studies mass times acceleration and hopes to increase representation of women in STEM. That, and that she’s totally a Kenobi.
Finn
A transfer from a community college, Finn had some culture shock coming to Davis (and the quarter system).
Hoping to feel less like a Sando aqua monster out of water, he rushed a frat, but surprised himself by becoming increasingly drawn to student activism thanks to his big, Poe Dameron. So far he mostly asks people if they’ve pledged to CALPIRG, but don’t let that fool you: Finn also works at the CoHo as a janitor, which means he will mop the floor with anyone who messes with his friends.
Poe Dameron
An active member of ASUCD and CALPIRG in addition to a business frat, men’s soccer, The Liquid Hotplates, and volunteering at the LGBTQIA Center. Everyone’s favorite space husband is so involved and charismatic and handsome that no one really cares that he talks to his soccer ball. Though known to throw some pretty wild frat parties, he’s no f***boy: in fact, he only has eyes for one person.
Hux
You can see Dr. Organa die a little inside every time his hand goes up in POL 109. He will explain to anyone who will listen that the Civil War was really about economics and that his closet isn’t a thinly veiled Third Reich homage when it clearly is.
Supports Donald Trump, but thinks that the wall on the Mexican border should be 10 times bigger and made of ice.
Kylo Ren
A UCD legacy (his mom and dad are professors of Political Science and Archaeology, respectively), but no one ever sees him as he spends most of his time in his dorm listening to The Smiths, writing angst-y tweets, or getting lost in the Death Star. Metaphorically killed his father by declaring a double major in Medieval Studies and English, and also for insisting that everyone call him “Kylo Ren”:
Kanjiklub
They didn’t really say anything; so few people knew that these guys were actually terrifying martial artists and members of Kendo Club. Sadly, they were killed in a tragic freak accident involving the UC Davis cows. They were Animal Science majors.
Captain Phasma
Looks formidable, and must have had impressive credentials to get such a high rank, but ultimately was corrupt and surprisingly easy to send down the trash compactor. Let’s face it—Phasma is basically (Ex) Chancellor Katehi.
Jyn Erso
Volunteers at The Pantry, does all her shopping at the Co-Op, and was on the front lines of the student protests in support of #FirePhasma. UC Berkeley reject? Nerf-herder, she was kicked out of Berkeley.