We always believe that it is better to give than to take. But why do we feel guilty if we prioritize ourselves? Personal relationships sometimes can become trying for me. When these problems come up, it can make me feel very twisted. It’s so hard to maintain the good relationship between a friend and I while I, myself, feel so down and aggrieved. But no, there is another way. Selfishness is not always a negation. You have the right to be selfish.
Learn to say “no”
I always do my best to present an image of a perfect friend: generous, kind-hearted, and agreeable. And yes, I have made some friends for being such a nice person. Yet I have sometimes been bitter for making these choices because I came to realize this could bring me trouble. At the very beginning, people come and ask politely if I can do them a favor, and I nod. Then, they leave me a simple message: they might take whatever they want without asking for my permission. However, I could suffer from letting it happen when my tolerance and altruism dominates everything.
Things usually go like…
-May I borrow your bike for one day? –Sure. (It’s ok because I probably won’t need the bike that day.)
-Hey, do you have 15 bucks in your PayPal? Could you help me pay it? –Okay. (15 is not that much; especially if it means she won’t hate me for not helping pay.)
-I will wait at the station, come pick me up! –Umm, I am not available right now but I will get to you later! (Even though it has been a hectic day, I was so afraid to refuse.)
So now, as a former “victim”, if you don’t feel like it is the right time or place, I would say stand out and say no. It’s not a shame to do so, but pride and guts. If your friends leave you for saying a reasonable “no”, leave them as well.
Prioritize yourself
Reduce your worries and deliberation. It is not an obligation to always render your support and assistance. And it is okay to take a step back. But you have to listen to what you heart tells you. Am I happy being a sensitive and helpful person? Does valuing other people’s needs rather than mine make me comfortable? Have I felt a sense of losing self or relaxedness? Treat yourself to something unencumbered. Stay at home and binge Netflix if you don’t feel like hanging out today; propose to eat at your favorite place rather than giving in every time; avoid being the payer even though you are broke AF. You have to care less about the people who don’t care for you at all.
Lower your expectations
My frowning face has told me that some of my friends just don’t know about the give-and-return pattern. Admittedly, I expect certain feedback if I have dedicated my time and efforts for a friend. But things happen and I found out it was not the case. I did not receive the similar and satisfactory result from a friend. There is no help back, no gift, and, even worse, no “thank you”. Life moves on and I learned more lessons from my unpleasant experiences, and I have learned that there is something I can do. I won’t continue to expect that much.
If you happen to give a ride to your friend one day, don’t wait for them to offer you a ride also. If you treat someone a meal, just let it go and don’t long for a next one. We are changing ourselves to selfless people. Being broad-minded and magnanimous is good to both of us in a relationship.
YOLO! Gaze the fun of being selfish and enjoy every moment of not caring too much. Help yourself prevent those problems in friendships. It’s ok to be selfish. It’s better to be selfish. Care free, live better.