For my second article as a writer at Her Campus, I was planning to write about fall fashion trends. It was going to be great; affordable student prices, my top-shelf fashion two-sense, and a real cute banner I was going to collage together. I really wanted to tell you that motorsport-driven, Formula 1-friendly bomber jackets are permeating closets yet again, and how silver is the new gold—but it wasn’t writing itself. Something about myself is that writing these articles is very therapeutic for me, so I decided to do some introspection instead.
A topic that has been on my mind lately is growing up. And for some reason, I thought I had been grown for the last four years. I have done the work to be a healed, confident, secure person. I thought that was it. I’d peaked in a good way, and I knew all there was to know about myself. I assumed there would be experiences that come along and teach me important lessons, but for the most part, I was set. While this is true, I also couldn’t be more wrong.
I’m writing this and it sounds so stupid; there’s no way I could know all there is to know at twenty-one. I assume this stems from the norm that once you are eighteen, you’re considered an adult, hence the “grown-up” delusion. It’s similar to the idea that after going through puberty, people think that’s what they’re going to look like for the rest of their life. You’re a woman! Done deal. Yet, you go to college and actually get the hips you thought you had before. This hindsight couldn’t be more humbling.
There is some logic behind thinking I had solved the Rubik’s cube that is my life. I’ve always been empathic, even as a young child. I understood the unsaid, and have been to therapy, so I’ve really learned a lot about myself. Funnily enough, the four years of college pretty much behind me are showing me that I may be a product of my environment. Do I really like that or was I trying to be something I thought I wanted at the time? Am I really this way or was I just being the polar opposite of my high school self? I did not spend these last four years having an alter ego, I arguably had the best time out of everyone, but I am rediscovering what I might genuinely like versus all that I’ve tested out.
One thing I have learned about myself within these four years is that, I can get what I want. I can have the friends I’ve always dreamed of, convince those who said “no” to say “yes”, become a starter in a sport I’ve never played before, and finally get to be the fun, outgoing person I always knew I was. I’ve also learned that the only limitations in life are the ones you tell yourself, as cheesy as it sounds. While I know I can get what I want, I also do not know what I want at all. I have NO idea what I’m going to do after graduation and that’s okay. The contradictions of being so sure and unsure of myself can co-exist.
Another aspect I thought I was so sure about is that I’m an extrovert. I’m social, people find me easy to talk to and I love to talk to them. I make friends effortlessly, and love to go out. Maybe college has just drained me, but I have recently uncovered the pleasure of an occasional night in. I enjoy my alone time. It allows me time to think and brings me peace. My friends are going to have to take this with a grain of salt because they will see me going out Thursday through Saturday this week, but this yin and yang can, again, co-exist.
The importance of this is that I am embracing the continuance of discovering who I am. I am trying to pinpoint exactly what I want, while also trying anything and everything. Who I am is not set in stone, but is also solid to my core. I’m still growing up, but I’m also getting old.