According to the research of John Gottman, the psychologist who could predict the success of a couple with 91% accuracy, there are four deadly indicators that the end is coming in a relationship. Remember that either partner, regardless of gender, can be guilty of these:
1. Criticism
Instead of targeting a behavior, you directly point the finger, heavily implying that there is a flaw in your partner. No one takes kindly to personal attacks, and the best way to approach this problem is to reframe your complaint. For example, instead of “why are you so selfish? We always hang out with your friends”, you could reframe this as “I’m missing my friends more lately. Do you mind if we go out with my friends today?”
2. Defensiveness
When you feel like you’re being attacked, it’s natural to go on the defense. But this response is not optimal, as you’re essentially denying responsibility, making your partner feel like he or she is not being heard and increasing negative communication. It’s best to hear out your partner and take some responsibility for the problem. An example of this would be if your partner is expressing her dissatisfaction with how you leave out your dishes. Instead of saying, “I’m just super busy. If it bothers you so much, why can’t you put it away?” you can respond with “Yeah, I’ve been leaving dishes unwashed because I’ve been so busy. I’ll try my best to put them away in the future.”
3. Stonewalling
Stonewalling can include nonverbal indicators such as averting eye contact, crossing your arms, and other basic behaviors that indicate that you are disengaging from conflict. These actions may lead to escalation of the conflict since the partner assumes that the person stonewalling doesn’t care about the problem, but the very opposite is true. Most often, the person is emotionally overwhelmed and trying their best to calm down. Under these circumstances, it’s best to take a short break and return after emotions have settled down to address the issue.
4. Contempt
The worst of the four horsemen involves contempt. When you makes threats, name call, or throw around insults, it can be very hurtful to the other person. Fundamentally thinking that you’re better than your partner and a lack of respect for your partner is the basis for contempt, and can include nonverbal signals as well such as sneering or rolling your eyes. The solution to this problem is not easy and involves both partners as they work toward an environment with a low tolerance of contempt and instead one of appreciation.