Dear Collegiette Code,I have a friend named Dan*. When we first met, he had been into me, but I didn’t feel the same way so we became close friends instead. He currently has a girlfriend named Gina* he’s been with for half a year but she’s just horrible to him. Gina takes advantage of Dan’s willingness to do whatever she wants and is mainly with him so she can go to his lacrosse parties. He’s head over heels for her so he forgives her for everything, including cheating on him. But over the past few months I’ve developed feelings for Dan and I would normally never consider being a homewrecker, but Gina isn’t a good person. It’s especially hard because I’m the person he always turns to when he talks about their relationship. What should I do?
-Disoriented Friend
*names have been altered
Dear Disoriented Friend,
As his friend, you should be honest with him about how you perceive his girlfriend. However, don’t complicate things by putting your feelings for him in the mix. It sounds like he really wants to make this relationship work so you should respect that. Plus, if he decides to leave her for you, wouldn’t that say something about his sincerity or raise the question of whether he’s completely over her? If your feelings make it hard to be such close friends, try to distance yourself a bit and say you don’t feel comfortable talking about their relationship.
-Honey
Dear Disoriented Friend,
Developing feelings for a good friend who is also in a relationship is very tricky! While you may have ill feelings towards Dan’s girlfriend, I strongly encourage you not to act on them. You may enjoy it in the moment, but the possible ramifications outweigh any benefits. You run the risk of your other friends finding out and being upset, or his girlfriend wanting to seek revenge. If his girlfriend truly is treating him poorly, he will eventually come to his senses. Until then, support your friend. Additionally, if you feel that you cannot ignore these feelings then your options are to either tell him (and you run the risk of him not feeling the same way), or to remove yourself form the situation and take a break from the friendship. Either way, I encourage you to use your best judgment and treat everyone how you would want to be treated. Good luck!
-Brittney
Dear Disoriented Friend,
It sounds like you’re in a tough situation. If I were in your place, I would just be honest with him the next time he talks to you about their relationship. He deserves to know the truth. Keep your personal feelings for Dan out of this and just be honest about what’s happening with his girlfriend.
-Lauren
This probably isn’t what you want to hear but I’ll be real with you. You don’t know everything about their relationship. You may think that you do because you know Dan so well and you see their relationship from an observer’s perspective. However, there is a reason why Dan is with Gina and why he keeps going back. Gina may not seem to have the best intentions, but it is up to Dan to figure that out. I understand that you feel pressured to open up to Dan because he is a close friend and had feelings for you at one point, but now is not the time. Wait for Dan to realize that Gina is not who he thinks she is and continue supporting him. Remember, their problems are theirs. Your involvement will only make things worse for you. Even if it works out with you and Dan one day, you will always have it hanging over your head that you contributed to an unhealthy relationship. In the meantime, keep your options open. Get out, have some fun, and get to know other guys!
-Wendy
Never go for someone else’s man. Girl code. Duh. If they break up, then go for him. Until then, stay away!
-Hannah
Dear Disorientated Friend,
I hate to be harsh here, but I feel like certain things need to be acknowledged. Dan is in a relationship and that needs to be respected. I understand that you feel as though Gina is being a horrible girlfriend, but that drama is between Gina and Dan. He’s a grown man. He can figure out his own problems. Getting in the middle of this not only invades their privacy, but also runs the risk of blowing up in your face. I understand that you want to be a good friend and save him from this relationship, but if the term “homewrecker” crosses your mind even once, then it is a clear sign that it’s not a good idea. It’s unfortunate that you can’t have Dan as your boyfriend, especially since he was into you a while ago. With that said, maybe you’re feeling a little jealous of their relationship, and jealousy is never helpful when you’re trying to solve a problem. I say take a step back and meet other guys. I promise you, Dan is not the only great guy out there, You don’t have to throw away your relationship with him completely. Be a good friend and support him.
-Saba